Drinking tea in the land of coffee

Hi there, sorry to hear of your problems.
It has got me thinking as I have just arrived in the US and its my wife that is on a L1 visa and if she deceides that I,m out I would have to go back to the UK with nothing.
Jarvy
Another brit in the USA
P.S. gas (petrol) $1.89 / us gallon
 
Apply straight away for green cards. I was talking to an Aussie yesterday and he said he was afraid to argue with his wife and was emasculated for three years, until he became an equal partner in their relationship, when he too had the freedom to walk away. They found that it redressed the balance that every relationship needs and made them a better couple.

Oooh get me, all marj proops!

Amongst today's comments were the fact that she wont be applying for my L2, so unless I salvage this marriage, I'm back in the UK next March, with nothing, except my bike.

That's not why I want to be married to Karen though...that's to do with love, caring and all the things that never get mentioned on a bike forum, because we are all hardened blokes...yeah right!
 
Luckily the company the wife works for are going to assist in the application for both green cards.
I have some part time work coming up but first i have lots of decorating to do.
Jarvy
 
been watching this for a while now.
wanting / trying to add something of use!
all i can put into words is -
feel for you. thinking of you. hoping all the best for you.
judging (as if thats really possible! it's not.) your mindset, the best has been said already;
I hope that you may still get to make your case and to woo her again, and that she may give the relationship a chance.
Well said Tobermory.

..................

Mrs Ogs read this.
her thoughts;
In a marriage, there must be honesty, simple. straighforward.
She should have been honest with you from the outset.
if there were concerns they should have been faced, even if it meant no trip.

...................

~~
Marc and Linda
 
Hey Lamble

I only just came across this thread and have read about your break up - it must have felt, and still feel, awful. My wife and I seperated in 2005 and it all broke down while I was overseas so I have a small idea as to what you might be going through.

This will be hard for you - but making a relationship work takes two. Yes, perhaps you could've seen that it wasn't right to make the trip you did... but likewise, it wasn't right for her not speak her mind. To give the trip her blessing and then blame you entirely is somewhat unfair and suggests there might be trust/communication issues for the two of you to deal with.

I feel for you and I hope that you are able to work things out in an amicable way, whatever the solution might be.
 
My wife's company was supporting the application for both of our green cards. The process was to start in a month. My wife has withdrawn my part of the application and I will now be forced to leave the USA in March, I learned today.
She is concerned that if we are at different addresses, then it is possible that her application will be jeopardized if found to be supporting a claim from a soon to be ex-spouse.

Start the process now if you can.

There is to be no reconciliation, and no opportunity to discuss the matter either. This marriage has died because I was away and failed to catch my wife when she needed me to be there and catch her.
It has died because I failed her by being away long enough for doubts and questions to become concrete problems that are now established, rationalised and set in her mind, so that her course of action, decided upon unilaterally, is the only route she has left open to herself.
I will have to live with the consequences.
I am resigned to this, however much I disagree with the decisions she has taken.
I would, if I could change things. I can not.
 
My wife's company was supporting the application for both of our green cards. The process was to start in a month. My wife has withdrawn my part of the application and I will now be forced to leave the USA in March, I learned today.
She is concerned that if we are at different addresses, then it is possible that her application will be jeopardized if found to be supporting a claim from a soon to be ex-spouse.

Start the process now if you can.

There is to be no reconciliation, and no opportunity to discuss the matter either. This marriage has died because I was away and failed to catch my wife when she needed me to be there and catch her.
It has died because I failed her by being away long enough for doubts and questions to become concrete problems that are now established, rationalised and set in her mind, so that her course of action, decided upon unilaterally, is the only route she has left open to herself.
I will have to live with the consequences.
I am resigned to this, however much I disagree with the decisions she has taken.
I would, if I could change things. I can not.

I only have one divorce and one successful relationship to base my experience on so I'm hardly qualified... but I think you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself. If there were questions or doubts in her mind, she could have raised them before you left, she could've raised them before they were concrete while you were away and started a dialogue with you. The way it seems, she calls to say it's over and she has cleared out before you even get home - with no possibility to work it out.

I'm not suggesting she's to blame... but she did fail you and the relationship by not letting you know of her doubts and questions before they became concrete.
 
Lamble, I feel for you. It is not nice to have your life turned upside down.

I can't help but feel that this was all a bit pre-meditated, on your wifes part. I have this strange sense that she was packing the minute you turned the corner at the end of your road and hastened toward your adventure. Your not being there simply made that process easier for her.

It may explain why you went on the trip with her blessing.

I don't think you should be too quick to chastise yourself for taking the trip and not being around to "save your marriage". It may sound harsh, but I guess the marriage cracks were already there, a good marriage doesn't just fail in a few weeks.

Look up and look forward. On those days that you can't, sit down with a cup of tea, remember, with a smile, the good times and then shove on.

Opportunity lurkes around every corner.
 
.

This marriage has died because I was away and failed to catch my wife when she needed me to be there and catch her.
It has died because I failed her by being away long enough for doubts and questions to become concrete problems that are now established, rationalised and set in her mind, so that her course of action, decided upon unilaterally, is the only route she has left open to herself.
I will have to live with the consequences.
I am resigned to this, however much I disagree with the decisions she has taken.
I would, if I could change things. I can not.

Whooa there fella.

This is easy for me to type, but don't take all the burden and blame yourself.

Your marriage is over because it's over, if your wife loved you it wouldn't have mattered a jot if you were at home or on a trip.
Don't carry her problems, you've enough of your own right now.

I'm sure you've had many PM's and realise that you aren't in a unique situation. Read them and digest.
They help, enormously. There will be no easy way through the hard, low feelings ahead, but knowing they can't hurt you and you'll come though it makes it bearable.

Good luck.

Just noticed your not a subscriber, so can't send you a PM. Keep your head held high.
 
Coming back to the UK.
As I was only in the USA as part of my wife's visa and that needs renewing in March, I'm officially thrown out then.

I will probably float into Liverpool but could, thanks to a very charitable act, end up in Keith in Scotland.

Anyone know of any jobs going?

In answer to a couple of posts. My job in this marriage has been to provide the stability. To be there and to catch my wife when the stress of her job takes her to dark places. I have seen the almost instant results that a visit here can make. From a bright attractive, intelligent woman, a fragile, insecure shell with the whole of the world's worries built up upon her and any escape route being grasped at. Individual issues become "all," sometimes becomes "always", infrequent becomes "never". We move from manageable to chaos in an instant.
One of my roles was to pick-a-part this tapestry of apparently endless failure. To find the loose thread that once tugged on, would unravel the whole thing before the tapestry was finished.

My failure was in not being there to do so. A false reality was therefore created. A false reality has been created, one based upon the selected moments that discredit any of the positives and focus solely on the collection of negatives.

This isn't pre-planned. She wouldn't have wanted to visit this dark place, but once there, the easiest escape becomes the solution to grasp for, then justify.
Without beating myself up, I do recognise that my absence contributed to the speed with which she fell and the fact that there was no alternative solution being offered.
She believes that her actions are fair, reasonable and in my best interests. I believe she believes that.
Sometimes that dark place is a long way down. Sometimes I've caught her near the top, other times a little further down. Only this time, I didnt catch her at all.
 
Steve, a moving post that leads me to understand a little about you despite never meeting you....

Good luck for the future mate :thumb
 
thank you for your wishes.

Im no where near the end of this yet and much merde still has to hit the fan, so your support is greatly appreciated.
 
Shipped the bike (uncrated as instructed) from Bogota via Miami to Seattle. In Miami it transpires that they now want it crating and will charge an extra $300. Lyncargo have got this reduced by 50% as they maintained the airline said it wasn't required. So, short version. The bike will be here in 3 or 4 days time.
If I was cleverer I'd have it shipped directly from Miami to the UK (it's nearer) than having it sent up here to Seattle. But y'know what, I don't think I've got the energy to take on that logistics puzzle right now and certainly not in a time scale that would be feasible.
 
Steve, It must have took a lot of guts to post your second last video.
What a pisser eh ?

Seems like she has issues , not only with you though.

Keep yer chin up. Im sure things will work out. Never been through anything like that before. I can only imagine what its like.
Im sure you have everyones best wishes from this forum. Not that best wishes will make you feel any better .... but its a start.

Den :)
 
A Few Thoughts...

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and hope you find the route to a better place and a less tormented feeling as quickly as you can.

Hearing from all of us that we empathise and know to some degree what you are going through possibly doesn't help... But what should is the fact that all of us report that we are in better places now, with a new perspective on life, a recognition of what is important and a view of what is and isn't worth worrying about... Some scars, yes, but on the whole all of us are saying life is good...

I do think that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes, as you say, we get too wrapped up in things to spot the obvious signs and maybe to some degree you are right to take a portion of the blame...

BUT NOT ALL OF IT...

For someone to have taken the decision Karen did and to present it as a "fait accompli" doesn't show she had any desire to discuss this and to seek a solution.

She had made her mind up, hidden the photos, sent the text and what's more even after seeing you drop everything to return to her she won't discuss things.

That's not normal. If you'd said you would be home sometime soon or you had ignored the message I'd have understood her shipping out... But when you got the message you did everything in your power - and still she won't talk.

Strikes me this is a deeper seated problem that has existed in her world for longer than just the trip. She seems so determined to see this through that this couldn't have just developed while you were away.

Don't keep beating yourself up. You have a lot to deal with - stay strong and look for the way forward for yourself if she is resolute.

Of course you will feel blue about the situation - but reduce the pain a bit by stopping blaming yourself...

It might be hard to hear, but I don't think anything you would have done even if you had been at home would have avoided this happening at some point.

Head high and looking forwards you will pick a good route.

I wish you well...
 
Only in America.

The vids I posted, I'd kept back until I felt able to deal with them. There are some that are even more emotional, but I'll save them for the hollywood version. They are now an integral part of what I've decide will be my ongoing three tea tour and so as the conclusion of this first chapter, I thought it fitting to show how there had been a complete change from the black and white vid I made to launch the trip.

I also posted them on BMWMOA site over here in the USA.

Next thing, three police squad cars pull up and I'm under suicide watch!:eek:

In-depth questioning revealed that I was in fact, not dead, but and here's a shocker, that I had been unhappy to receive the news I was being divorced..well no sh*t larry!

It's sort of nice that someone cares, but three cars. I only got two in California when I was speeding a bit.

True to form though, the lady cop (looked good in that uniform) was talking to me about emotions and that stuff, the two guys wanted to talk bikes when they saw my map and picture wall.

So, not dead, although I think coming back from warm Colombia to cold Seattle may have given me a cold.

Is that the flu police at the door?
 
Only in America.

The vids I posted, I'd kept back until I felt able to deal with them. There are some that are even more emotional, but I'll save them for the hollywood version. They are now an integral part of what I've decide will be my ongoing three tea tour and so as the conclusion of this first chapter, I thought it fitting to show how there had been a complete change from the black and white vid I made to launch the trip.

I also posted them on BMWMOA site over here in the USA.

Next thing, three police squad cars pull up and I'm under suicide watch!:eek:

In-depth questioning revealed that I was in fact, not dead, but and here's a shocker, that I had been unhappy to receive the news I was being divorced..well no sh*t larry!

It's sort of nice that someone cares, but three cars. I only got two in California when I was speeding a bit.

True to form though, the lady cop (looked good in that uniform) was talking to me about emotions and that stuff, the two guys wanted to talk bikes when they saw my map and picture wall.

So, not dead, although I think coming back from warm Colombia to cold Seattle may have given me a cold.

Is that the flu police at the door?


Hi Steve,
Thanks for posting back after the last vid,
because to be honest i was concerned and have to admit
i did make a phone call to voice my concern....

From your first post on this thread i thought happy days, eccentric
english man heads for south america this is going to be great :bounce1:bounce1:bounce1
I would check your blog on the three teas web site and wondered which
way it would go, remember you being pissed at not stopping at Hollywood
sign for tea and how long Tom would last....
Then when you had the thoughts of quiting and Karen saying to keep going,
and only two weeks later you post to tell us the trip is over...
I am sure i was like many and thought it was the stress of travel and everything
would work out when you where home...

Then the posts started to get very deep...
like most people reading it i dont know you from a bar of soap,
but there is one thing that i do know and that is the fella's n girl's
on this site are second to none, and would help anybody in trouble
if they could.

As i said before hope it all works out.
regards
joe
 


Back
Top Bottom