By a bizzarre sequence of events............
Well, firstly lets get the serious proper stuff out the way first. Bill`s hospitality was amazing and the attention to detail (yes, hygienically sealed toothbrush in the ablutions hut!) was staggering. If it wasn`t for the commitment of people like Bill the most of us simply wouldn`t have the chance to get away, drink beer, talk rubbish and generally enjoy ourselves (I`ll bet my sad ass there is no one who DIDN`T have a great time). Bill THANK YOU
Bill, I doubt I ever will get the chance to reciprocate but if there’s anything you need please contact me as I do have the odd resource
. And as promised as I was leaving here is the torrid tale. But before I start I make it very clear that this is simply a side issue to what should be a thread where we should all be thanking a very kind guy.
So, to go
off topic and hopefully provide a (hopefully) modestly amusing tale by way of explanation for my absence on Saturday night I must share with you a bizarre sequence of events which resulted in me and my good friend Martin spending the night in Llandudno.
And Andy, very sorry for buggering off, I know we had serious beer talk to have over the rack you wish me to make – send me the top box etc and I`ll try to do it for free for you, or at least just paying for materials.
The Spitfire on cold start
This has nothing to do with the night out but as a matter of hilarity Martin did share with me an anecdote where whilst he was in one of the porta loo`s he heard something akin to a Spitfire starting up (google `spitfire on full choke cold start up` and you will get an idea). Anyway shortly after said noise and on exiting the loo he was horrified and mentally scarred to find a `cow pat` which had looked like it had been shot into the ground. I am led to believe that the indication of energy required to `push` said pat into the ground makes me feel that we had one poorly person amongst us with his boxers in tatters or Bill may have one dog less………. Funny funny funny
Anyway………………
The zip line
This is why we went to NW Wales – to have a go on a zip line about a mile long suspended many miles (it seemed like it) about the earth’s surface. Think death slide. Here`s a few facts:
Max speed 165Km
Max height above ground 152m
Length 1500m
Cable breaking strain 27.7t
We did it of course and it was an amazing adrenaline rush. There was one poor chap who couldn`t face it so I said to his lady friend “perhaps next time you want to be the dominant one in the bedroom eh babes?” Thankfully she laughed and totally agreed.
Btw fear is brown and sticky.
Port Merion
This is where it really went sideways, we stopped off for some tea and a beer – finding ourselves in the company of a wedding with some really lovely ladies present we did what only two mature married men can do and drooled! Indeed, the `who can take the best photo of that lovely filly` competition was won by Martin as he had cunningly put his camera on auto snapshot and it was whirring away like a gattling gun.
The decision
Eating and having just one beer we then decided that we couldn`t make it back that day and was going to stop over (the view was fantastic………) to be told by the receptionist lady that the nearest place was Llandudno, an hour away. So we got it booked! We contemplated walking there after spending the night doing Tiger Feet in the disco but decided that we were. Indeed, old married men, stinking of fear and sweat and I personally simply couldn`t see what any young lady would see in my capacious wine gut.
Off we hooned totally back in the wrong direction because we were stupid with Martin saying `we are going in the wrong direction` - we wasn`t he just wouldn`t listen. We then found a stretch of road with ONLY cameras every 100 yards and just one bobby patrolling it. Woohoo.
Llandudno
We had been scammed, the website making it look like the Welsh Hilton was bollox – even with the most adroit use of subtle lighting and camera angles this was still a grot hole run by some Malaysians. After getting showered and putting our night time gear on – a euphemism for the gear we had on that day – we hit the town (who could resist us……). Within moments we came across two young ladies who had just had a pee in a shelter on the promenade – lovely! I think they smelt worse than us! We wished them well in their efforts to find suitable public conveniences in the future and went into town.
The nightclub
Think 2 mature (euphemism for old gits) wearing their bike gear, smelling like nothing else in a disco and you have a good idea of how stupid we looked (and smelt) – needless to say we retired back to the grot hole by ourselves (not that there was any intention otherwise but I must say it’s certainly nice to just look! I did spot many new mummies for my two daughters….).
After near kicking the Malasians front door down, we gained access, slept like demons and started the day with a full English `Malaysian` - I’ve just text martin to see if he too has the squirts…………..
So, there we go guys, the reason why we never made it back. Thank you to all the kindly people who asked me today if we were ok (thanks, you are all a good bunch) and I hope this explanation does not detract from a great weekend and for us especially the Friday night. And thank you to all the kind gents who suggested routes and ride-outs. Sadly we had the zip wire booked!
Are you feeling better, Sid?
And last but by no means least - proff, thanks for the cider, I hope the Spanish brandy went some way to reciprocating.