I seem to have been away on the bike ever weekend this month. First Exmoor off-roading with Trippy etc then last weekend up at Walters Arena for the Touratech Weekend.
After freezing my balls off camping in the industrial estate around Touratechs HQ, I picked up a nasty chest infection that laid me low most of last week. Managed to find time and strength to respray my spare fuel tank to avoid using my 41lt monster. Finished the final coat of paint on Thursday night and left it with heat lamps on to harden up paint. Up early Friday morning to apply the stickers and refit tank.
Bugger! Fuel was pissing out of the quick-release connector so new O ring needed. Bike finally packed and ready by 10.00 am for long ride up to BMF show in Peterborough.
Usual BMF efficiency when I arrived, “GS Trophy? Go to Gate One”. At Gate One, “GS Trophy? You need Gate Three”. At Gate Three, “GS Trophy? No you need Gate Five”. By the time I arrived at Gate Five I was ready to ride over the little security man but he was pleasant and said “Welcome to the GS Trophy”.
Spent ages trying to erect my massive tent as it was so windy. Tied it to tree to stop it blowing away. Went over and signed on for GS Trophy and saw an arena with various “Kickstart” style trials challenges in them. Met up with two others from on here and together we were going to be an unofficial Team Tossers. Unfortunately I never did get a photo of the three of us together with our bikes all stickered up with “UKGSer.com”.
We headed over to The Harvester pub for food and a few beers but not too many as we had a big day ahead on the Saturday. Didn’t get a good night’s sleep as the organisers insisted that the big generators and flood lights had to remain on all night due to “Elf n Safety”.
Woke feeling terrible in morning due to lack of sleep and chest infection. At signing on I met an old friend from Jersey, Mike Etienne who bought the HP2 and painted it with bananas all over it.
Our first task was to follow set of directions and make our way to a quarry for some off-road skills. Just walking the sections was enough for me to be dripping in sweat. I know I’m no athlete, but I know I should be able to complete these tasks without sweating like a pig and being exhausted just walking them!
There were 5 marked sections each with a specified GS bike to ride. Two with F800GS twins, two with 650 singles and one with 1200GS. I watched several riders through a simple section of ups and downs on the F800. The guys who could obviously ride off-road all cleaned it no trouble, whereas a few people showed a lack of basic skills. I thought this was a nice easy starter for me although I had never ridden an 800GS and was not allowed any practice, just jump on and into the section. Down I rode in control, turn at the bottom, apply power and ride smoothly up other side, simple. As I rolled off the throttle at the top (in first gear) the bastard piece of shit bike stalled! Damn, Feck. Many other riders complained about how these bikes stalled so easily. Instant 5 points lost for a simple section that I should have easily cleaned. I thought at the time that this extra 5 points might prove costly later...
Next section was on a 650 single. Again a simple up and around, across and out, should have been a piece of piss. After stalling on the previous section, I carried more speed and stupidly clipped the red flag on the turn. Despite cleaning the rest of the section, I was rightly given another 5 for riding over the flag. Bollocks, two sections done and maximum points. I was so angry with myself for riding like a twat when I knew I could do better.
By now I had stripped off my twat jacket, the goretex lining, my fleece and was just wearing a very thin synthetic T-shirt but still sweating like a rapist. The observer didn’t want to let me ride the section without my jacket on but made an exception when he saw how knackered I looked. I managed a single dab on a tight turn in a wooded section and a few more dabs on the exit so scored a Three. Many riders were getting a Five on this so I felt a bit better.
Next section was a nasty rocky one and nobody had got very far without crashing so I didn’t have much hope especially as it was on the horrid F800 again. Not surprisingly, I crashed heavily so at least I inflicted some pain on the bike.
The Off-Road Skills bikes were already starting to look very second-hand after only a few hours of abuse.
The final section was on a R1200GS. I hereby retract all the nasty things I have ever said about R1200GSs as it was so nice to get on a “proper” GS at last. The section was a very steep climb on a muddy surface with only minimal run up. I’ve not ridden a 1200 so guessed that first gear would be right. I slowly lined it up at the bottom to avoid the deep ruts and then gave it loads. The climb got steeper but I made it up and over the top. Next you had to ride through more mud and then a steep descent. I cleaned it all, zero penalty points.
You then had to complete ten laps around the quarry on a 1200 and simply not crash so even I managed that and it was great fun.
Then it was back to BMF showground for more tasks. One of which was teams of two to erect a tent in the quickest time. I really felt sorry for the poor chap Steve who got paired up with me as I’m totally useless at putting up tents and I think we had one of the slowest times of the day. (Sorry Steve).
Then back to the arena for the “Kickstart” style challenges. You had a free choice of bike from 650, 800 or 1200. I chose a 1200 despite everyone telling me to take a smaller lighter bike which would be easier.
First obstacle was a set of railway sleepers which you had to walk the bike over and along.
At with almost everyone else I managed this easily enough.
Second was a figure of 8 inside a coned box. I’d watched several riders fail this on the 1200 but luckily all my years of being an instructor and doing thousands of these paid off and I got a big cheer from the crowd as I cleaned this.
Next were two bits of wood about 6 inches apart. This was similar to ridding off-road in ruts and I managed this without any penalty.
A large slalom was next. I stalled on entry but restarted and then completed the entire slalom cleanly. Or so I thought, it was only when I looked at the photos that I realised that the rear of the bike had knocked over a cone so another 5 mark penalty
Next was a ride up a ramp on to a trailer and down the other end and that was cleaned.
The next section had caught out a few as it was a stack of pallet boards arranged in a semi-circle which had to be ridden up and around and down. If you rode too close to the inside you risked falling off whereas if you went to the outside then the gaps between the boards became much bigger. Cleaned this one as well
Next was a limbo bar to ride under and like most I cleaned that as well.
Next was possibly the hardest task and involved grabbing a football from a stand about 3 feet off the ground and carrying it over to a large bucket and dropping it in there. Nobody I had watched had even managed to collect the ball. I surprised myself when I managed to grab it with my left hand and wobble over to the bucket to drop it off. Unfortunately, I turned too sharply and lost the front end of the bike. Obviously I was very annoyed with myself for spoiling what could have been an almost perfect round. The observer helped me pick up the bike and now I only had one section left to complete which was relatively simple and almost all riders had completed it safely and easily.
The final section was a ramp up on to a trailer and then a simple 90 degree turn left and down ramp to exit. I flew up ramp easily and just had to brake and turn. But the rear brake lever on the 1200 is a bit more tucked in than on my 1100 so I missed the brake! On any other section, this would not have mattered much but on this one it was critical.
DISASTER.
The front wheel went over the end of the trailer and I realized that I was about to fall off together with the bike. After the front wheel dropped away, the bash plate hit and the bike somersaulted back over front. I was still holding on to the handle bars terrified that 200+kgs of 1200GS was going to land on top of me. I pushed the bike away to the side whilst I was upside down in mid air and unfortunately landed hard on my head.
At first there was a big cheer from the crowd at the sight of a BMW being totalled but then it went quiet when the crowd realised that I might have hurt myself a bit. I had landed on my head with all 15 stone trying to bury my head into the arena. My neck was pushed to one side and hurt like hell. My eyes were shut and I felt sick and I could see lots of lights like in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.
Next thing I felt was various paramedics all talking to me and asking where it hurt. The photographer told them I had landed on my head and he had captured it all on video (He has promised to send me the video). The paramedics looked at his video and decided I might have damaged my neck. They were excellent and very carefully checked over my neck and removed my helmet and fitted a neck collar.
They asked me what my name was and if I knew where I was etc “Yes, I’m in the arena making a complete twat of myself in front of hundreds of people”. They agreed with me and once they were satisfied that I did not have any serious injury they helped me off the course to the nearby tent.
They of course insisted on giving me a full check up and were concerned with various reading. Apparently, my pulse was far too high as was my blood pressure but I explained that those readings were normal for me!
They told me that my helmet was definitely to be replaced as it had taken the full force and the peak and visor were broken.
Unfortunately, I still one more task to do that afternoon which involved a road ride out to nearby BMW dealer for a mechanical challenge. The paramedics felt that I should not be allowed to continue as it was too dangerous for me to ride so soon after banging my head.
After an hour I felt better and they were persuaded to let me ride providing that someone rode with me. Simon Pavey was happy for me to continue and agreed that there would be no time penalty if we got back late.
At the BMW dealers, the task was simply to change both wheels on a F800GS. We had to wait whilst two journalists from MCN and Bike attempted the task first. What a pair of muppets! I think my 80 year parents could have done it faster and better. Luckily the guy I was paired up with on this task owned a F800 and had changed his wheels before. I’m reasonably handy changing wheels and have worked with Phase One Endurance who could change the back wheel on an R1 in 6.9 seconds. Together with my team mate, George, we changed both wheels in very fast time (about 2 and half minutes each) so got no further penalties.
Back to show ground and decent hot showers provided in the BMW camping area. Tried to catch up with my fellow Team Tosser members but they also had not had a very successful day. Graham had scored maximum points and was unfortunately in last place and Tony was only 5 places ahead of him having had a bump on the head at the quarry section. Both of them departed on the Saturday night but at least they had entered the event and represented UKGSer.
A group of us walked over to The Harvester to drown our sorrows and had a surprisingly good meal. When we walked back to the campsite the results had been posted up. My friend Mike Etienne had taken the final place for the Sunday semi-finals with 30 penalty points. I was just 3 points behind him. So that stupid careless 5 point penalty on the first section had indeed cost me very dearly. Without that, I would have made the run off. Never mind, I was probably too beaten up now to have been able to compete well enough anyway. Now to get in training for next year.
Mike decided to get an early night to be fresh for Sunday and I wandered over to the bars on site but strangely for me I never had a drink at all. The paramedics had advised that I stay off the alcohol after the bump on the head so I headed to the main hall to listen to the bands.
Bakerman had asked me to check out Limehouse Lizzie as they were the main act at the BMF and his main act at Hograost. Personally, I’m not a great fan of “tribute” bands as I prefer originals. I always think of tribute bands as being like a fake Rolex ie a cheaper copy of the real thing. However, they were very good musically and I think Steve and Hograosters will be happy.
Sunday morning and the top 15 riders in the GS Trophy were put through even harder tasks in the small arena. There was one less bike available now as “my” 1200GS (no.46) had been retired damaged. Most of the previous days sections had been tweaked to make them a little bit harder. The limbo bar was now LOWER than the screen height of the F800GS that all competitors had to use today. The only way to get the bike under the bar was to walk alongside bike and lay bike over at 45 degrees.
An interested addition was a horizontal bar set 6 feet off the ground. Riders had to hold this with their right hand and ride a clockwise circle with the bike just on tickover but controlling the steering and clutch with their left hand.
From the 15 semi-finalists they reduced it down to only 6 to go through to the final in the main arena. Some weird tasks including picking up tennis balls in your right hand and putting them in a bucket further down the arena wall. The tasks mostly favoured trials riders and it was a very close finish. The top three riders won an all-expense-paid trip to South America to complete in the world finals. The previous team from Britain won this so this team are under pressure to retain the trophy.
Before leaving I had to buy myself a replacement crash helmet. At least I was in the right place. In amongst the hundreds of stalls selling complete crap there were a few genuine bike traders selling decent goods and I managed to get another perfect Shoei Hornet for £260.
The GS Trophy is open to anyone over 21 who owns a BMW GS bike. I would encourage anyone else to have a go especially if you have any off-road skills especially a trials background.
Great weekend.
i need TLC I fell off in the Quarry section and although it wasnt a difficult stage, I feel backwards as the bike went down (going up hill) and whacked my little grey matter pretty hard on something harder,,..( stars blurred vision etc) so advised not to continue on elf n safety grounds...though I think it was a good excuse to retire me gracefully and find solace in 
.......there were some good off road riders and well done to all,,,
