Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord, take pity on me! If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one."
-----------
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O' Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O' Toole replied, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O 'Toole retorted, "Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were gettin' a group together to go right now."
-----
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
-----
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
“Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
-----------
A Boston Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Father, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper asks, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
------
Walking into the bar, Mick said to Paddy the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Paddy, "and how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Paddy, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, ye coward."
--------------
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
"Lord, take pity on me! If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one."
-----------
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O' Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O' Toole replied, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O 'Toole retorted, "Oh, when I die, yes! I thought you were gettin' a group together to go right now."
-----
Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
-----
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
“Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
-----------
A Boston Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Father, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper asks, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
------
Walking into the bar, Mick said to Paddy the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Paddy, "and how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mick replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Paddy, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, ye coward."
--------------
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
