Leaked Document from British Government - Ireland to be Taken Over

petcul

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Despite denials by the British Government sources close to David Cameron say the move to annex Ireland is actively being considered to protect British Markets. The following bulletin will shortly be issued to all Irish Citizens.


To: The citizens of the Republic of Ireland:

In light of your absolute incompetence in running your own affairs, by continually electing the same shower of useless, greedy and corrupt politicians, the shocking financial crisis of the last 3 years but most of all your complete inability to bring anyone to account for this mess or take to the streets to demonstrate your anger, Her Majesty feels compelled to take immediate action.

You have had 88 years to get this right but have made a complete hames of it. You cannot blame the mainland for this one.

Additionally, because of your total fascination with supporting English football teams (and 1 Scottish), and an almost total failure to support the Airtricity League, we see this as an obvious expression of a desire to be British.

The final straw was the announcement of Prince William’s forthcoming marriage appearing on the front page of all major Irish newspapers and headline TV news on the very day Europe were trying to finalise the takeover of the Irish economy. This clearly demonstrates a sub-conscious desire to be British (and NOT European!).

Therefore, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, and effective immediately, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over the Irish Free State .

Your new prime minister, David Cameron, will appoint a governor for Ireland immediately.

Her majesty’s government is extremely concerned that Ireland has already given up its sovereignty to Brussels and Strasbourg , the European Central Bank, the International Monetary Fund and anyone else you can borrow a few quid off so is taking this action to protect both the people of Ireland and to restore the British Isles to its proper status.

Dail Eireann and Seanad Eireann will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. All current TDs will be immediately re-deployed, some arrested and tried for treason.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The Irish language is not banned, but will no longer be part of the school curriculum, no longer share equal status with English and all signs in Irish are to be removed immediately. They are pointless. TG4 will be disbanded

The word(s) feck, fecker, fecking are banned, you are not fooling anyone.

2. RTE will be disbanded, you all watch BBC, ITV and Sky Sports anyway. Your celebrities such as Pat Kenny, Ryan Tubridy etc will be offered jobs as bus drivers. The money saved will pay for the new Road Signs.

3. Declan Kidney will be assigned as England Rugby Manager. Brian O’Driscoll will also declare for England

4. Bacon and Cabbage are hereby banned as no one likes it. Similarly, Abrakebabra is banned immediately and will be replaced with handily placed kebab vans within each district. Indian restaurants will also open until 4am.

5. Your ridiculous national anthem will be replaced by any well known U2 song with commercial potential. Royalties will go towards more Road Signs.

6. Road Safety:
a) Gay Byrne is sacked as chairman of the Road Safety Authority. Whoever thought the smuggest individual ever to grace a TV screen could possibly help?
b) All major traffic light intersections will be replaced with roundabouts
c) The imperial Mile measurement is to be re-introduced with immediate effect.
d) All learner drivers are banned from driving alone with immediate effect.
e) All persons who received a full driving license in the amnesty are also banned from driving until they sit the test.
f) A new Garda Traffic division is to be established to patrol shopping centre car parks for cases of extremely bad parking and driving the wrong way round the car parks. Fine of £100 and 3 points.

7. ALL tribunals will cease immediately. The money saved will be spent on new easily visible street signs.

8. DRINK: The price of a pint of beer is to be immediately re-aligned with UK prices -£2.50 a pint.

The restricted number of pub licenses is to be removed immediately, and a Wetherspoons will be opened in every town centre throughout Ireland , along with an O’Neills proper Irish pub.

Guinness is to be rationed to 3 pints of day per person. It is for the greater good.

9. The Euro will be phased out over the next 6 months and replaced with the Queen’s shilling. Most of you will be more comfortable with it anyway.

10. Dressing up 8 year old girls in wedding dresses for Communions is also considered an extremely unhealthy activity. Special licenses will be required for this, with money going for Road Signs.

11. You will cease playing all Gaelic games for the next 20 years. All titles in the intervening period will be awarded to Kerry and Kilkenny, thereby saving you a lot of bother. All GAA facilities will be handed over to the English cricket authorities. Cricket will become mandatory in all schools.

12. Please tell us what happened to Shergar..

13. An inland revenue agent from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1949).

14. Talking of 1949, Ireland will be immediately re-admitted to the Commonwealth and therefore allowed access to commonwealth country trade markets but more importantly have a better chance of winning medals at a major sporting event.


God save the Queen
 
Of course

I can blame the mainland. Those krauts lent us all the money to get into the shit and now they're milking us to get it back. No not the kraut in buckingham castle, ANGELA and Co.
Oh Sorry, did you think the big island where you live is the mainland?
Pints at £2.50 I can live with. Doesn't matter to me whether it's Premiership, Airtricity or whatever. It's all 22 morons fighting over a bag of wind. give each of them a ball and get over it.

But one serious question...

Who in their right mind would get on a bus with Ryan Tubridy driving:eek:
 
The American version a few years ago was better, but this is still funny :D
 
Compulsory Kebab Vans and Indians opening until 4.00am should apply throughout the UK - home deliveries until 4.00am should be added to that.

Nothing worse than getting in at 3.00am and discovering no fecker will deliver food to your bloody door, it is in the interest of road safety and prevent drunks being forced into a car to seek out the last remaining kebab van in town.

I have also been close to burning my house down on several occasions due to post night-club munchie attacks.
 
Big fan of no. 11.
However it's Rugby Union to be played in all schools. After five years of all the kids playing this and many moving on to the professional game instead of wasting their time on bogball the World Cup should be pretty much a tossup between Ireland and New Zealand :augie
 
Big fan of no. 11.
However it's Rugby Union to be played in all schools. After five years of all the kids playing this and many moving on to the professional game instead of wasting their time on bogball the World Cup should be pretty much a tossup between Ireland and New Zealand :augie

BOGBALL Rules!!! :bow
 
Abrakebabra is banned immediately ...

No never...deals off
 
number 8 is out of date - you forgot to take into account the exchange rate, but to make life easier all prices in the UK should be reduced :beer:
 


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