Joke for today

[Nailer]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.


The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'


'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[Mandylicious]

 

[BeemerBaz]

Another Joke

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral s*x' will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical but they assured him
that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room. 'What happened?' they cried.












The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked?'

 

[Nailer]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'


Slim says, 'I feel just like a new-born baby.'


'Really!? Like a new-born baby!?'


'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[Monsieur]

An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twen ty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)












'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

 

[Monsieur]

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

 

[Monsieur]

Blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.'

'Why?’ says the blonde.

-


The boy says: 'Cause, I'm the f**king goalie!!'

 

[Dahoum]

Shouldn't this thread be in the joke section ...... oh yes you're right - it already is

 

[Nailer]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember



Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.


'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'


'Sure.'


'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'


'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'


Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,


The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.


'Where's my toast ?'

 

[GerryC]

True Story

A legal representative arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, Daithi Wright, who was due to be hanged for appearing on the cover of the BMW club magazine. The barrister’s last minute plea for clemency from the GS fraternity had failed and he was feeling exhausted and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door to his home, his wife started, "What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Your dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on and then on some more.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a drink and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and the site owner told that her Daithi had been granted an eleventh hour stay of execution.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, the wife rushed upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

 

[Arsey]

Two old ladies meet down the local tea dance for a chat and a cuppa.

Doris says to Flo -" Did you come on the bus ?"

Flo replies-"yes I did but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack."

 

[Jockser]

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

"Damn shame" I say

 

[(RIP) Bin Ridin]

Two country women walking accross a field, and one sees a large carrot lying on the ground.

"Mary, that reminds me of my late husband Joseph's sexual organ"
"Oh, Consumpta, is it the length of it?"
"No, Mary!"
"Is it the girth of it, Consumta? "
"No, Mary"
"Well, Consumpta, what is it so?



"Tis the dirt of it!"

 

[P.J.]

.........

Teenage pregnant traveller rings her Ma " Ma, I think me wather's broken"
Ma: "sweet mother o divine jaysus, where are ya ringin' from?"
TPT: "from me fanny to me ankles, Ma"

 

[Nailer]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

 

[weavo]

Another one

Man goes into a bar and orders 6 whiskeys and drinks them straight down.
The barman says what are you celebrating.
I've just had my first blow job said the man.
The barman offers to buy him a drink on the house but the man declines.
If 6 won't take away the taste 1 more won't make any differance.

 

[Daithi]

Originally Posted by GerryC
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

That'll be used again Gerry...


BTW, that's some smug grin I have in the pic alright.

 

[Nailer]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

 

[Nailer]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

 

[Deleted account 231211001]

Oldies but goodies

Three old ladies on a platform waiting for a train.

1 "Ain't it windy today?"

2. "No dear...it's Thursday!"

3."So am I. Shall we have a cup of tea while we wait?"