PETA seeks Haggis Protection Orders

[shuck raider]

I know that many of you in the SS will, in the next few days, be out and about with the gun, snare and ferret in pursuit of the Haggis in preparation for the coming festivities. You should be aware of the growing opposition to the sport from various protectionist groups, some of whom have avowed to physically disrupt those engaged in this age-old tradition in much the same way that they have done, with some success, against fox hunters and other field sports.

The latest species to come under the wing of the animal protectionists is the Scottish haggis. Numbers have declined steeply in recent years, with the rare Awnaw strain - named because of the strange noise (awnawnoagain) they are sometimes heard to make when confronted by the growing number of hunting parties now organised by Haggisbashers.com - under most threat. As a result, they are now seen only on their brief seasonal autumn migration to the upper Cairngorm slopes.

Animal rights groups, including the SSPCA, PETA and the League Against Cruel Sports, are becoming increasingly concerned for the future of the Haggis and have banded together to form a new pressure group to be known as the Haggis Protectionists (HP). They are set to petition the Haggis Committee of the Scottish Parliament and have organised a mass demonstration set to coincide with the opening day of the Haggis season.

A spokesman for the League Against Cruel Sports stated their position saying, “The traditional sport of Haggis Hurling is cruel and barbaric and has no place in a modern civilised society. We are campaigning for the proposal for its inclusion in the 2012 Olympic Games to be abandoned immediately”, while the Scottish chairman of PETA, commenting on the rapid growth of foreign operators organising international haggis hunts, said, “We feel we are reflecting a widespread revulsion among ordinary people against the increasingly popular sport of Haggis hunting. At the very least we would like to see the immediate implementation of a statutory policy of Catch and Release.”

The SSPCA representative stressed the importance of Protection Orders in helping to protect stocks, particularly in the more accessible areas of the southern Highlands. “The Protection Orders were very effective in keeping trout fishermen off the rivers. We think they would be equally effective in protecting the Haggis, which has a very special place in our hearts.”

Let's be careful out there guys, and take a stand against this PC bollox

 

[Rev Chuck]

Ha! Too late. Mine is in the fridge. Butchered by a reputable butcher, garnered from his secret herd which are apparantly kept in a secret location. I'd like to see PETA find them!onyack

 

[wully]

Gotta keep vigilant - They're after yer traditional Haggis

 

[Deleted account rno]

No' Quite Haggis But...

My Auld Man canne eat haggis. He doesnae like it. Feck know why no'. He eats Kessel Fleisch, which is the bits o' the pig that we wouldnae normally touch (snout, cheeks, belly etc). It's a bit o' a delicacy whaur he stays. Dating back to when they had feck all to eat I suppose. They ha'e Kessel Fleisch Days in pubs and clubs (he's away to one today in fact). 5 Euros and eat as much as you like. Unbelievable how popular they are.

I'm no' a great pork lover and I aboot boaked wi' the smell fae the boiling pots when we went to one a few weeks ago. I had to hae a schnapps to settle my stomach.

Mrs Ronno likes it tae. 10 oot o' 10 tae her.

The Auld man needed a pint o' Wine Schorle tae wash it doon

It was only 10.30 so Christine went for the glass o' Fanta option...

 

[Aidan1150]

He looks happy enough there Ronno, a bite to eat and a big glass of Schorle. Prost.

 

[Deleted account rno]

He looks happy enough there Ronno, a bite to eat and a big glass of Schorle. Prost.

I was under strict instructions from Mum and Sis to make sure that he just had the one...

It's like babysittin' a bairn wi' a wild hair up it's arse.

 

[(RIP) Nakambale]

Some little known details for hunting the haggis

from haggishunt.com

Top tips for the haggis moors


Hunting the haggis is no easy matter. Before you have even ventured out on hills armed with your meuran (the standard tool of the haggis hunter) there are myriad traditions to be observed.

Central to the art is stealth. Like the deer stalker, the haggis hunter must be silent, invisible and without odour. Fortunately, while the haggis has incredibly acute senses, these function over a very narrow range. Thus the haggis hunter has to be only a bit silent, a bit invisible and a little without odour.

The haggis can hear only certain high pitched sounds with any clarity. By whacking turnips with a mallet next to a haggis warren, or fobhríste, the prominent cryptobiologist Ima Maidep-Nayim has proved that the animal does not react to low thudding sounds. However, even a light rustling can make these delicate creatures bolt.

By perverse coincidence, the sound the haggis is most sensitive to is that of plaid rubbing on underpants. No-one knows why this should be, perhaps this almost undetectable noise mimics exactly the sound of a golden eagle plummeting towards its target. Whatever the reason, the aim of a haggis hunter who sports underwear will never be true. Hence, the tradition that “true Scots” wear nothing under their kilt.

As far as masking the hunter’s smell is concerned, there is only one substance that can hide the multifarious odours of a haggiser: whisky. Preferable, the hunter should be absolutely drenched in the stuff to mask any scent. Many’s the ignorant laird who has given his gamekeeper a tongue-lashing for smelling of alcohol and then had to issue a cringeing apology after learning this bit of haggis lore.

Finally, the haggis hunter must make himself invisible to his prey. Much like the Tyrannosaurus Rex – a creature to which it is not often compared – the haggis has eyes that react most effectively to movement, but only movement in a straight line. In order to creep up on their prey, haggis hunters must disguise their approach by adopting a shambling, apparently random gait. This is known as havering.

Thus, if you encounter a Scot stinking of whisky, shuffling down the street in an ungainly fashion with their kilt flapping round their bare backside you know they are only hunting the haggis. To show that you are au fait with “the hunt”, approach him (or her) and say in a loud voice: “Ach, your havering”. A lively discussion should ensue

Arcane terms of the haggis hunt


If you are baffled by the language of the haggis hunters, do not be ashamed. Many have been left floundering by the arcane idiolect of this ancient pursuit.

Indeed, the great language expert Dr Johnston found himself at a loss when he and the redoubtable Boswell encountered a group of haggisers during their famous tour of the Highlands. The great father of lexicography is reputed to have told his amiable traveling companion: “Of their speech I understood one word in twenty, and that was most coarse and seemed to refer to my mother.”

But fear not, haggishunt have come to your aid with our handy print out and keep guide to haggis jargon.

Drumnadrochit: The onomatopoeic expression for a clean strike on a haggis with a meuran. The “drumna” refers to the rumbling approach of a haggis hunter. The “droch” imitates the swish of the weapon. The “hit” bit is self-explanatory. A settlement was named in honour of this noise after a particularly successful hunt.

Erse: The ancient pursuit of Haggis Hunting has encompassed all the many cultures and languages that have touched Scotland. However, Gaelic has remained at the heart of the sport, with many of the technical terms coming from “the language spoken in the Garden of Eden”. When Haggis Hunting was revived in the 19th century, haggisers took great pride in mastering this language, which they referred to using the Lowland term for Gaelic, “Erse”. Nowadays, if a haggiser is suspected of having only a superficial knowledge of his craft he is said not to know his “Erse from his elbow”.

Fobhríste: The technical term for a haggis den. In a bizarre linguistic twist, a very similar word appears in some mythical Norse poems. A direct connection between the two seems unlikely as the Nordic term means “deep, dangerous, delving labyrinth filled with death”, while a fobhríste is a lightly pungent depression under a clump of heather.

Fou: Completely and utterly prepared to hunt the haggis. In order to mask their scent, the haggis hunters douse themselves in whisky. They also walk with a weaving gait so that they are able to stalk more effectively (see Haggis Hunting Techniques). Once they have finished these preparations they are declared to be “fou”.

Havering: This is the correct technical term for haggis stalking. It is a peculiarity of the haggis that it cannot see something that is not moving in a straight line.

Hud yer wheesht: The haggis hunters sturdy plaid cloak is known as a “wheesht” because of the swishing sound it makes when worn loose. However, as the hunter stalks nearer to the prey he gathers the cloth about him to deaden the noise of his approach. He tells his companions to do the same by saying “Hud yer wheesht” (“hold your cloak”). This expression has entered colloquial conversation as a means of requesting silence and its origins have largely been forgotten in the general populace.

Meuran: This is the standard tool of the haggis hunter. It looks like a cross between a mashie-niblick and a sack of oats, which is in fact exactly what it is. Designed to deliver a stunning blow across a wide area, this weapon is fearsome in the hands of a master, and lethal in the clutches of a novice.

Nyaff: An inadvertent noise often made by someone who has caught a sore one after standing too close to a novice haggis hunter as he practices his meuran swing.

 

[(RIP) Nakambale]

and some cocktails to go with it once you've caught one

Cocktails of the haggis hunter


When stalking the heather, our chief ghillie, Farquhar Farquharson is always careful to stock up on warming drinks “to keep the cold out”. While other more timid souls rely on hot beverages and – pah! – soups, Mr Farquharson swears by an assortment of home-made tinctures without which he never leaves the house, even to go to the shops. Of course, he gets hypothermia every time he sets foot outside the house, but he says it doesn’t really bother him anymore.

The editors of haggishunt.com have persuaded Mr Farquharson to share some of his recipes with our readers. He was quite happy to do this after five days locked in the coal shed with only distilled water for comfort.

WARNING These are alcoholic beverages and as such should be treated with respect. If you are under 18, you should not drink them. By the way, drinking does not make you funny, tough or attractive to the opposite sex (or the same sex for that matter). It makes you fall over and throw up. If you are over 18, remember that drinking makes you loud, boorish and utterly repellent to potential sexual partners.


Whisky with haggis chaser
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A Haggis
A glass
A very very small amount of water (dinnae droon it laddie)

Method
Place generous amount of whisky in glass. Wave water over whisky. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure.

Bloody haggis
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A glass
A very very small jug of water
Tomato juice
Worcester sauce
Stick of celery
Bottle of vodka

Method
Place generous amount of whisky in glass. Wave water quickly over whisky. Reserve tomato juice for the next time you cook linguine. Place celery in bunnet. Dab Worcester sauce behind ears. You are now ready for a night on the town. Put vodka somewhere that local teenagers will be unable to find it. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure.

Haggis sunrise
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A large carton of orange juice
A Haggis
A glass
A very very small jug of water

Method
Dash eight sloshes of whisky into glass. Show water to whisky from minimum distance of ten yards. Carefully put carton of orange juice unopened in fridge lest it go off. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure.

Sloe comfortable haggis against the wall
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A large carton of orange juice
A Haggis
A glass
A very very small jug of water
A random selection of those lesser liquors in garish bottles so beloved by dull people seeking glamour

Method
Half-fill glass with whisky, then add more whisky. Sotto voce mention existence of water to whisky. Pour other spirits into the nearest pot plant. Give juice to tee totaller. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure.

Haggis on the beach
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A haggis
A very very small jug of water
Bag of sand

Method
Pour sand on ground. Pour water on ground. Strip down to your underwear. You are now at the beach. Use haggis as a beachball. Drink whisky from the bottle.

Russian Haggis
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A glass
A very very small jug of water
Bottle of vodka
Coffee liqueur
Cream

Method
Hold bottle of whisky vertically over glass for several seconds. Place jug of water in next room. Carefully position liqueur in cupboard beside tea bags – if you want ******* coffee, you’ll drink ******* coffee. Place vodka unopened in freezer – it’ll feel at home there. Drink whisky. Cook haggis the following morning and serve on toast with brown sauce as an excellent hangover cure. Drizzle cream round plate for dead classy presentation.

Haggis margarita
Ingredients
Large bottle of malt whisky
A Haggis
A lime
Lime juice
Bottle of tequila
Salt
A glass
Another glass
Small jug of water.

Method
Wet rim of glass and dip in salt. Cut lime into slices and attach to rim of glass. Wet bottom of glass with lime juice. Fill glass to rim with tequila. Drop lit match into glass. Now you have made a nice home-made heater, sit down beside it, rest your feet on the haggis and enjoy a wee dram.

onyack

 

[Voyager]

Classic

I had a very nice Haggis the other evening

Hopefully SWMBO will have procured another before Sunday .


Bob.

 

[Invicta Moto]

Gotta keep vigilant - They're after yer traditional Haggis

Arrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ******* veggie ***** get everywhere.


I ate my Macsween last week and very nice it was although I was told by an ancient Scottish person that the best haggis came from Ayr?

Anyway, have a M&S Haggis as recommended by some twat in the Evening Standard for Burns.

 

[RAM-man]

its 25th January and the 250th anniversary as if they needed an excuse

 

[Klanky]

Haggis ordered to be culled from Harrold Bros Butchers, Wick (Mey Selections dontcha know) personal flock, er, herd, shoal....troop?
WTF do you call a group of Haggises...or Haggi?

 

[Deleted account rno]

WTF do you call a group of Haggises...or Haggi?

Dinnae think he's Scottish so it must be haggises

 

[Denis Milne]

Dinnae think he's Scottish so it must be haggises

At's i haggi gadgie

 

[Invicta Moto]

Arrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ******* veggie ***** get everywhere.


I ate my Macsween last week and very nice it was although I was told by an ancient Scottish person that the best haggis came from Ayr?

Anyway, have a M&S Haggis as recommended by some twat in the Evening Standard for Burns.

M&S Haggis was so bland it was not worth having. Luckily a quarter of a Macsween redressed the balance.

 

[AndyT]

its 25th January and the 250th anniversary as if they needed an excuse

Well its seems they do.....

I went out for a meal last night (Burns nicht) at a Restaraunt in Stonehaven and I was the only one having Haggis It was down as a Burns Night Special for a starter but not main course. I told them to bring me a big boys portion for my main meal and stop faffing about and I'm an Englishman.... There wass more talk of the Chinese New year which is the year of the Ox... Happy New year Tom

More Haggis and Neeps for me tonight. Only Sinlairs of Torphins finest Haggis

I can't wait for St Georges Day, I do love curry