The auld one's still make me laugh!

NI Phil

NI Phil

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A farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock would you say?':aidan
 
An oldie that amuses me.
Paddy Crosbie, presented "The school around the corner" in the 50s and 60s. He asked one young boy if he wanted to sing or tell of a funny or unusual incident.
The young lad told the story of when he was on the way to school he came across an incident where a horse, pulling a cart, had fallen into a hole dug by the Dublin Gas Company.
"And what happened" says Paddy.
"They had to call the Vet and the horse had to be shot" said the Gurrier.
"And did they shoot him in the hole" says Paddy.
"No, sir," says the boy, "they shot him in the head".
 
Kamikaze said:
An oldie that amuses me.
Paddy Crosbie, presented "The school around the corner" in the 50s and 60s. He asked one young boy if he wanted to sing or tell of a funny or unusual incident.
The young lad told the story of when he was on the way to school he came across an incident where a horse, pulling a cart, had fallen into a hole dug by the Dublin Gas Company.
"And what happened" says Paddy.
"They had to call the Vet and the horse had to be shot" said the Gurrier.
"And did they shoot him in the hole" says Paddy.
"No, sir," says the boy, "they shot him in the head".
Click to expand...


:aidan

:jes:jes:jes
 
... or the butchers apprentices talking about the guy that cut off his finger in the bacon slicer;
"was it his ring finger?" sez one.
"No, it was the one next to it!" sez the other. :green gri
 
Kamikaze said:
An oldie that amuses me.
Paddy Crosbie, presented "The school around the corner" in the 50s and 60s. He asked one young boy if he wanted to sing or tell of a funny or unusual incident.
The young lad told the story of when he was on the way to school he came across an incident where a horse, pulling a cart, had fallen into a hole dug by the Dublin Gas Company.
"And what happened" says Paddy.
"They had to call the Vet and the horse had to be shot" said the Gurrier.
"And did they shoot him in the hole" says Paddy.
"No, sir," says the boy, "they shot him in the head".
Click to expand...

Very good Jim,

can't say I was around when they aired it:augie

have ya got any copies on tape:D
 
Kamikaze said:
An oldie that amuses me.
Paddy Crosbie, presented "The school around the corner" in the 50s and 60s.
Click to expand...

Do you remember when the kids would be asked the meaning of the "HARD WORD"? :rob

"What is a PALLIASSE?"

"Please Sir, it's a friendly donkey"
 
Marraige​

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

A Woman's Prayer:
' Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to
forgive him, and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up'
 
Nippy Normans supply Touratech, Wunderlich, Desert Fox and many other makes of accessories.
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