Day 2
1st August
I was awoken from my slumber in our 3 star ditch around 05:30 by natures very own alarm clock ( I needed a pish ) .
That and the feeling that some creature was having a wee drink of the saliva that was running down my cheek and sticking my face onto my improvised pillow . I wiped said insect and sputum away with the cuff of my jacket , stood up , lit a smoke and cleared my nose using the 1 finger nostril blowing technique . A quick stretch and I was ready for the day ahead .
Karl was still sleeping soundly so I decided to let him have a wee lie in , well ,we were on holiday after all .
I finished my cigarette and lit another whilst I checked through the days route on Jane , our trusted navigation system ( an old android phone with a hacked version of co-pilot live Europe installed )
It was now 5:45 , time to wake Karl , my good friend and travel companion from his peaceful slumber
Kick! kick ! “ right c’mon bawbag **!! get yer arse in gear , it’s time we made tracks !! “
** the term Bawbag can be construed as meaning “my good friend” when used in this context
We set off about 06:15 with revised travel plans for the day .Rather than follow Joybringers route to the letter We were now going to hammer down the autoroute and pick up Marks' route somewhere in southern Belgium , Luxembourg or Germany .
We got off to a good start catching breakfast on the hop at our first fuel stop , but , as the morning sun rose higher in the sky and the temperature started to climb Fritz , my trusty steed started playing up again , BOLLOX !!!!!
I nursed the bike down the E411 then the E25 before admitting to myself that this couldn’t go on .
I needed a Motorrad dealership and quick .
We stopped somewhere in Luxembourg and as luck would have it we were only 18 miles from a dealership , RESULT !!
We amended our route and Jane got us there with little trouble .
When we got there I explained to the head mechanic via his English speaking receptionist that I suspected the Hall sensor due to the heat related nature of the fault .
I also showed him the Temperature Gauge on the RID cycling up and down like the lights of a fruit machine , explaining that this fault ran in sequence to the bad running so was definitely linked .
Nein !! Nein !! he exclaimed . Hall sensors never break on these bikes ,I guess he aint a member of this forum then . He pointed to my Led lights and the home made wiring harness that I had made up . This will be your problem , not the Hall sensor . “ How dare he “, I thought , I used my best wire twisting and sellotaping technique on that there botch job .
Anyway he refused to look at the bike because of the auxiliary wiring and said a Hall sensor would take 4 days to come in . FUCK THAT !! I thought to myself . Lets go Karl , another country awaits us .
We pushed on through Luxembourg and popped into Germany and by the time we got to Volklingen Fritz was on his last legs coughing and farting and shitting the nest completely every couple of miles .
We made it to the outskirts of saarbruken and the bike finally died . Turned out I’d run out of fuel whilst trying to run the fuel level down in order to change the fuel filter . OOOOpppss !!!
SUZUKI ASSIST TO THE RESCUE
For the first time on the trip I had to admit to Karl that his VSTROM rice burner wasn’t all that bad and ask him nicely if he wouldn’t mind going to get me some fuel ..
Karl was quickly dispatched, however , he had forgotten to plot my broken down position .
Let me tell you a bit about Karl & Topography
Karl and directions just don’t go . when we get a shout at work you have to tell him if it’s Left or Right out of the station . He is undoubtedly the best driver in the station but fucking brutal with directions .
Anyway , he rode around Saarbruken for an hour or so finally stumbling upon my location purely by chance at around 22:30.
And we’re off , well for a couple of miles at least . we had plotted another dealership in Saarbruken and were about 1 mile from it when the bike died on a busy intersection . As i desperately tried to start Fritz the car horns and shouting started , Those crazy Germans don’t half have short fuses . I jumped off and frantically started to push the bike through the junction .
I bumped the bike onto the pavement and continued pushing in a rage !!! fucking and blinding and cursing this German piece of shit .
I pushed the bike for what felt like about half a mile but was in all reality about 150 yards .
I was blowing out my arse , so I yanked my helmet off , stuck the bike on it’s side stand and lit a fag .
KARL’S MOMENT OF BRILLIENCE
It happened in slow motion , I shit you not !!!
Karl was standing on a raised tram stop on the middle of the road like his own little podium . He lifted his right arm and thrust it out straight at a 45 degree angle as if to do a Nazi salute ,
oh shit , he’s lost the plot , i thought ......
Then I saw him extend his right index finger to point above my head .
Look , he exclaimed . I spun round, looked up and there it was in all it’s magnificent neon glory .
A big blue and yellow sign that read ETAP HOTEL , twin rooms from 39 euro .......
Halleluiah !!!! I could have kissed the fucker right there and then !!!
We got checked in , ordered breakfast , found a beer and snack vending machine in the foyer . sweet .
Things are finally starting to look up .
Tomorrow will surely be the start of something good .
Don't wory Karl , your secret is safe with me
DAY 3
2ND AUGUST
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OH , FOR FUCK SAKE!!!!!! IN THE NAME O THE WEE MAN !!!!!
the girl let us board for no extra fee . I like to think the charm offensive worked but the queue of angry motorists behind us tooting their horns may have played it's part 
