JimmyC
Registered user
Subject: A Political Guide for Tourists in Ireland
Just in case you ever get asked to explain it.........
A Political Guide for Tourists to Ireland
Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland, not the Irish mainland, but the British mainland.
The capital of Southern Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Northern Irelands new city of Newry this afternoon.
They travel to Newry because it is in the North of Ireland, which is not part of Ireland , but still pay in Euros & cents instead of British Pounds & pence.
Nearly everything is cheaper in Northern Ireland than Southern Ireland .
Under the Irish constitution, the North of Ireland used to be in Ireland , but an extremely successful 30-year campaign of murder & violence for Irish unity by the Provisional IRA ensured that Northern Ireland is now definitely in the UK for ever.
Had the IRA campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France or Belgium .
Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal.
Donegal is in the North of Ireland but not in Northern Ireland . It is in the South. No, not the south, Southern Ireland .
There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament (Southern Ireland) is called the Dáil, (pronounced Doyle), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers money.
The one in Belfast (Northern Ireland) is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.
Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste.
Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, all of whom are opposed to it.
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways.
The one in the North goes West to avoid the South and the one in the South goes North to avoid the price of drink.
We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result..
If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again, or until the people agree with the Southern Irish Government.
Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum to get it right.
Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition at all, so the government is always right.
This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .
Ireland has three economies, Northern, Southern and Black. Only the Black illegal economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.
The Norths biggest industry is the production of IRAs.
Consequently, we now have the Official, Provisional, Continuity, 32 County and Real IRA's.
All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them actually is the Real IRA.
The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell as they are all dislex, disslic, dyslek, (feck it)...thick!
But the Real IRA is not the real IRA. They are new(ish) boys along with the Continuity IRA, compared with the Official IRA(the Old Boys) & the Provisional IRA, who are in fact, the Real IRA.
The Real IRA have a mandate to join Northern Ireland & Southern Ireland (they already are--see map) by "strictly democratic & peaceful" means, and they will kill anyone to achieve this aim (sorry, no pun intended).....goal.
The Real IRA hate the British Government & tried to blow up 100's of the sitting British Government MP's in Brighton . The Real IRA are elected MPs of the British Government. The Real IRA also sit as Northern Ireland MLA's (MP's) in British Northern Ireland and are paid in British pounds & not in Euros so they can shop in Newry too.
I do hope this simple explanation of Irish Politics is helpful.
Anyone from Northern Ireland wishing to move to Southern Ireland should fill in the form below..........
APPLICATION TO LIVE WITHIN THE CITY OR COUNTY OF Dublin (Including Fingal)
Anyone not born within the City and County of Dublin will now be required to
complete the attached application form and return it to:
The Immigration and Population Control Officer,
(Culchie Section),
Dublin Corporation Offices,
Wood Quay,
Dublin 2.
within 21 days of arriving in the City or County of Dublin
Application to live in the City or County of Dublin
(Including Fingal)
Name:__________________________
Nickname : (what your friends call you ) __________________________
Address : ( herd number ) _________________________
Father: ( otherwise known as Daddy ) ____________________________
( If you don't know your Daddy, list three suspects )
Mother: _____________________________
Neck Shade: Light Red Medium Red Dark Red
Do You own you own teeth ? Yes No
If borrowed, please state from whom. ________________________
Number of Teeth in Full Grin: Upper: _____ Lower: _____
Length of Right Leg: ____ Length of Left Leg: ____
How many wellies do you own ? ______ (pairs) ______ (single)
Size of Farm:
(please tick)
Middlin'. Smallish. Bit of a Field. Only A Bog.
Make of your Tractor: ________________ Weight of Your Tractor: ___________
Tractor Equipped With (please tick) : Gun Rack. 4 Wheel Drive. Cassette Deck. Load of Turf. Ford Cortina Shock Absorbers. Truck Wheels. Sawdoctor's CDs. Mud Flaps. Toothpick Holder. Big Dog. Goat's Hide.
Number of empty Beer Cans on floor of your tractor: _________
BUMPER STICKERS SHOWN :
(please tick)
"Well Holy God" - Me Other Car Is A Piece of SHITE too - If you're not from Cavan, you're not worth a shite - Mayo for Sam Honk if you love Glenroe Supermacs -
FAVOURITE VOCALIST:
(please tick)
Margo. Big Tom. Loretta Lynn. Hank Williams. Brendan Shine. Garth Brooks.Tammy Wynette. Declan Nerney.Daniel O' Donnell. Meself. What's A Vocalist?
FAVOURITE RECREATION:
(please tick)
Line Dancin'. Sheep Shaggin'. Slurry Smellin'. Bailin' Hay. Dole Signin'. Drinkin'.Chewin' Tabacca. Belchin'. Spittin'. Other.
Name(s) of Daughter(s) :
(please tick)
Mary. Biddy. Bridie. Shovon. Udder.
Weapons Owned :
(please tick)
Shovel- Power or Chain Saw- Pick Handle- Slash Hook- Hurley- AK47-Other
Cap Emblem:
(please tick)
Guinness -Smithwicks -Massey Ferguson- Net Nitrate -10-10-20 -Kerry Co-Op- Smile if you're wearin' wellies.
Number of Dependants : Legal ___ Claimed ___
Number of Welfare Cheques Claimed ____
Number of Weeks Unemployed: ______ (REALLY ____ )
Membership Of:
(please tick)
GAA-IFA-Macra -ICA -Youth Defence -Fine Gael.
Car Model:
(please tick)
Ford Cortina -Ford Escort MK1 -Ford Escort MK2 -Fiat Ritmo -VW Jetta -Humber -Honda 50 -Stolen Merc- Stolen BMW -Stolen Land Rover
.How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your yard ? _____
Are you married to any of the following :
(please tick)
Sister -Brother- Cousin -Cow -Sheep.
Does your wife weigh more than your tractor ? Yes/No
Can you write your name and get the spelling right every time ? Yes/No
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend ? ________ If Yes, Why ? __________
Can you count to :
(please tick)
Ten with your shoes on. (Males only) Twenty-one with your fly closed.
Medical History:
B.O. -Bovine T.B. -Smelly Feet -Runny Nose -Bad Breath -Sheep Lice- Foot & Mouth Disease.
Please give the same information in respect of yourself.
THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN THIS FORM
We Will Let You Know If Ewe Can Stay Next Week.
Just in case you ever get asked to explain it.........
A Political Guide for Tourists to Ireland
Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland, not the Irish mainland, but the British mainland.
The capital of Southern Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Northern Irelands new city of Newry this afternoon.
They travel to Newry because it is in the North of Ireland, which is not part of Ireland , but still pay in Euros & cents instead of British Pounds & pence.
Nearly everything is cheaper in Northern Ireland than Southern Ireland .
Under the Irish constitution, the North of Ireland used to be in Ireland , but an extremely successful 30-year campaign of murder & violence for Irish unity by the Provisional IRA ensured that Northern Ireland is now definitely in the UK for ever.
Had the IRA campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France or Belgium .
Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal.
Donegal is in the North of Ireland but not in Northern Ireland . It is in the South. No, not the south, Southern Ireland .
There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament (Southern Ireland) is called the Dáil, (pronounced Doyle), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers money.
The one in Belfast (Northern Ireland) is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.
Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump their chemical waste.
Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, all of whom are opposed to it.
Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways.
The one in the North goes West to avoid the South and the one in the South goes North to avoid the price of drink.
We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result..
If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again, or until the people agree with the Southern Irish Government.
Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum to get it right.
Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition at all, so the government is always right.
This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .
Ireland has three economies, Northern, Southern and Black. Only the Black illegal economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.
The Norths biggest industry is the production of IRAs.
Consequently, we now have the Official, Provisional, Continuity, 32 County and Real IRA's.
All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them actually is the Real IRA.
The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell as they are all dislex, disslic, dyslek, (feck it)...thick!
But the Real IRA is not the real IRA. They are new(ish) boys along with the Continuity IRA, compared with the Official IRA(the Old Boys) & the Provisional IRA, who are in fact, the Real IRA.
The Real IRA have a mandate to join Northern Ireland & Southern Ireland (they already are--see map) by "strictly democratic & peaceful" means, and they will kill anyone to achieve this aim (sorry, no pun intended).....goal.
The Real IRA hate the British Government & tried to blow up 100's of the sitting British Government MP's in Brighton . The Real IRA are elected MPs of the British Government. The Real IRA also sit as Northern Ireland MLA's (MP's) in British Northern Ireland and are paid in British pounds & not in Euros so they can shop in Newry too.
I do hope this simple explanation of Irish Politics is helpful.
Anyone from Northern Ireland wishing to move to Southern Ireland should fill in the form below..........
APPLICATION TO LIVE WITHIN THE CITY OR COUNTY OF Dublin (Including Fingal)
Anyone not born within the City and County of Dublin will now be required to
complete the attached application form and return it to:
The Immigration and Population Control Officer,
(Culchie Section),
Dublin Corporation Offices,
Wood Quay,
Dublin 2.
within 21 days of arriving in the City or County of Dublin
Application to live in the City or County of Dublin
(Including Fingal)
Name:__________________________
Nickname : (what your friends call you ) __________________________
Address : ( herd number ) _________________________
Father: ( otherwise known as Daddy ) ____________________________
( If you don't know your Daddy, list three suspects )
Mother: _____________________________
Neck Shade: Light Red Medium Red Dark Red
Do You own you own teeth ? Yes No
If borrowed, please state from whom. ________________________
Number of Teeth in Full Grin: Upper: _____ Lower: _____
Length of Right Leg: ____ Length of Left Leg: ____
How many wellies do you own ? ______ (pairs) ______ (single)
Size of Farm:
(please tick)
Middlin'. Smallish. Bit of a Field. Only A Bog.
Make of your Tractor: ________________ Weight of Your Tractor: ___________
Tractor Equipped With (please tick) : Gun Rack. 4 Wheel Drive. Cassette Deck. Load of Turf. Ford Cortina Shock Absorbers. Truck Wheels. Sawdoctor's CDs. Mud Flaps. Toothpick Holder. Big Dog. Goat's Hide.
Number of empty Beer Cans on floor of your tractor: _________
BUMPER STICKERS SHOWN :
(please tick)
"Well Holy God" - Me Other Car Is A Piece of SHITE too - If you're not from Cavan, you're not worth a shite - Mayo for Sam Honk if you love Glenroe Supermacs -
FAVOURITE VOCALIST:
(please tick)
Margo. Big Tom. Loretta Lynn. Hank Williams. Brendan Shine. Garth Brooks.Tammy Wynette. Declan Nerney.Daniel O' Donnell. Meself. What's A Vocalist?
FAVOURITE RECREATION:
(please tick)
Line Dancin'. Sheep Shaggin'. Slurry Smellin'. Bailin' Hay. Dole Signin'. Drinkin'.Chewin' Tabacca. Belchin'. Spittin'. Other.
Name(s) of Daughter(s) :
(please tick)
Mary. Biddy. Bridie. Shovon. Udder.
Weapons Owned :
(please tick)
Shovel- Power or Chain Saw- Pick Handle- Slash Hook- Hurley- AK47-Other
Cap Emblem:
(please tick)
Guinness -Smithwicks -Massey Ferguson- Net Nitrate -10-10-20 -Kerry Co-Op- Smile if you're wearin' wellies.
Number of Dependants : Legal ___ Claimed ___
Number of Welfare Cheques Claimed ____
Number of Weeks Unemployed: ______ (REALLY ____ )
Membership Of:
(please tick)
GAA-IFA-Macra -ICA -Youth Defence -Fine Gael.
Car Model:
(please tick)
Ford Cortina -Ford Escort MK1 -Ford Escort MK2 -Fiat Ritmo -VW Jetta -Humber -Honda 50 -Stolen Merc- Stolen BMW -Stolen Land Rover
.How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your yard ? _____
Are you married to any of the following :
(please tick)
Sister -Brother- Cousin -Cow -Sheep.
Does your wife weigh more than your tractor ? Yes/No
Can you write your name and get the spelling right every time ? Yes/No
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend ? ________ If Yes, Why ? __________
Can you count to :
(please tick)
Ten with your shoes on. (Males only) Twenty-one with your fly closed.
Medical History:
B.O. -Bovine T.B. -Smelly Feet -Runny Nose -Bad Breath -Sheep Lice- Foot & Mouth Disease.
Please give the same information in respect of yourself.
THANK YOU FOR FILLING IN THIS FORM
We Will Let You Know If Ewe Can Stay Next Week.
