** Warning - this thread contains pictures that were not taken on a Fuji EX-1 **
'Reuben ....... Would you like to go to Wales .. ??'
Reuben looked back slightly perplexed, as if to say it was possibly the most stupid question he'd ever been asked other than the time it was put to him 'did he want to keep his bollocks or not'.
I printed off the entry ticket and then wandered outside to the shed to give my little orange friend Cato the good news that he was going on an off road holiday.
(Please read to yourself in a stupid French accent ..... )
'Catoooo .. ?? Catoooooooo ..... ???? Cato my little Orange friend, where are you ...... '
After beating Cato in a short Karate fight, I gave him the good news that he too was having a bank holiday weekend away. I heard his 1190 starter motor whimper when I told him where we were going ....
Thinking fondly of Johnno I packed my ........ Sorry ..... Sorry ......
Thinking of Johnno I packed my worst pants, tactical slippers, and bottle of Monkey Shoulder. (I would need at least one bottle of scotch to see me through a weekend near cardiff ... ).
Rosy's Citroen Berlingo was packed to the gunnels, the central cubby hole thing was filled with jaffa cakes and Cato was introduced to the delights of extreme Bondage. (note ... with orange straps ...
).
It's funny how things come in three's. I can't remember which was worse but it seemed that all my nightmares arrived at once - the start of the Jeremy Vine show, the Severn Bridge and the Sat Navs cheery announcement.
But .... to be fair .... I am, generally an optimist. The fact that it started to rain as we crossed the bridge was not a problem.
We pitched our tent and reserved a place for G00ner and Mark. I asked Reuben if he was having a good time, and he told me 'Yes he was'. I recognised the look in his face though; Very similar to the look he gives me when the butter has disappeared and I ask the lying bastard if he's had it.
After Team kent is fully formed, we get our maps, our co-ordinates, open the scotch and get to work
We eat chips from the burger van, I bump into Mellors the Hobo and Jake (dog on bit of string), Andres, Milkmaid, Melch .... and get on well with the two Slovakian (?) guys camped next to us. (We do the decent thing and exchange whisky with one another ... ). The Maps are adorned with dots and numbers and at about ten O'clock we turn in. Thank God I had a hot woman to sleep with. It was bloody freezing all night. G00ner slept in tent from the seventies and Mark slept in his van. (I felt positively spoiled having had a duvet, a blow up double mattress and bare buttocks nestled in my loins all night).
It's a cold wet start! ('Never' I hear you ask. No really it was .... I was sort of thinking that maybe we'd wake to a blue sky? ok, like just a little bit ?? 16 degrees ?? 15 ???? But no ... it was about four degrees and pissing with rain ....
).
We lined up at the start with the Step through gang ! fair play to them! It's all for charity and it was good to see folk not taking life too seriously.
After filling up with gas we orientate ourselves to the first question .... which leads us to out first byway. And that girls and boys is pretty much the theme of the day - read a map, head for a co-ordinate, (route of your choice) and try and answer the relevant question to that co-ordinate.
Now I am no natural on an off road bike by any stretch of the imagination. I get by, and I quite like the challenge, but getting by is as good as it gets! So as the trails started to get a bit harder, boy was I starting to feel the weight of my not so little orange friend.
'Look up .... Look up ... '. 'keep yer momentum ... keep yer momentum .... ' I kept talking out loud to myself every time I got a bit stressed ! And Some of it was bloody challenging for a big CC bike. And I say here and now - to all you Gs 1200 / 1150 riders who did the full off road route; take a pat on the back! 'cos that was not easy on a 230 + KG bike
At the bottom of some rocky descent the marshals waited like bears for the salmon!
I hobbled Cato down the hill but bottled the last few steps and got off and 'walked it' over the steepest bits.
Then we had to go up the other fucking side ... !!
It is fair to say that the photos don't do the difficulty justice. On the screen it looks like you should just hop skip and jump over everything. It was harder (certainly for me, than it looks ... !)
(the view back down having just climbed it)
We push on (did I mention it was raining ??) and slowly the trails get a bit easier.
At Llandovery we stopped for lunch, and had the best home made cream of mushroom soup I think I've ever had!
Whilst my team mate let the hardened Sarf East image down by ordering a milky Latte......
....... we transferred some of the co-ordinates onto a larger scale map (I say 'we' in the loosest sense - the other two did it whilst I whatsapped my mates and chatted up the waitress ... ) ...
After lunch, we pushed on continuing the theme of map reading, finding the co-ordinates, and trying to answer the relevant questions.
After a route that took us past an old roman ruin, we headed for a Forest. (mneh .... can't remember what it was called now ... )
Now I know ... I know .... that some of you die hard trail riders will find the 'easy stuff' boring, and that you want the feck off rocky descents and climbs, and yes .... if I was on a pogo, I'd probably want that too. But here in the forest ...... Ohhhhh yes .... Now we're talking .... this is Cato's sort of territory!!
We very shortly decided to 'fuck the questions .... lets stay here for a couple of hours ... ' and we had a cracking play on the sort of ground that I enjoy and if I'm honest find a bit easier ...
(If I may say so myself, that is a fucking good picture from an i phone. Mellors - you can stick that up your arse ....
)
And so it is, that the inevitable happened
The red mist comes down ...... the terrain is easier and coakes you into going faster ..... yes .... you've guessed it! Cato had a reasonably quick tumble!!
Sigh ... my fault entirely. Too quick for my own ability on a rutted left hand down hill bend between on some double track between the fire roads.
About a mile away from this photo but on the same track ....
..... the ruts get deeper and snottier. I was doing pretty well .... still working on the old momentum is your friend (sometimes!) and working hard on steering with my body and not the bars as such, (think ruts and keeping the bike upright but moving your body weight ..) but I just let the bike run away a little bit and suddenly it's all too quick and I'm trying to reign it all back in. I kick myself now for carrying too much front brake into a corner that had some pretty slippery rocks in the ground. Woosh .... front end folds and down I go.
But nothing that isn't repairable. A slightly skewed footrest hanger, shift lever and some battle scars to the crash bars.
TUNNER ARE YOU READING !! Get out the KTM Paint !!!!
We boot it back to camp, cold shower, win a 'Buff' umbrella in the raffle and then hit G00ners Rum, my whisky and Eggs bacon sausage and beans.
Reuben was pleased to see us back (i think - he may have been eying up the butter again .... )
..... and exhausted, I hit the mattress to the sound of the base from the live Ska band that seems to carry its note over the camp site more than the other instruments. The heavens really open all night to absolute torrential rain and G00ner spends all night bailing himself out.
Back in kent by 1700hrs, and cato's damage is fully assessed. The crash bar can be painted, the foot rest hanger can be replaced, and the shift lever straightened. So not exactly a disaster - phew!
The boiling hot shower, fire, Lagavulin and Chinese takeaway make the end to a great weekend, and for all the piss taking aside, a big thank you to the Welsh contingency for putting on a great event that, for what you get, is as cheap as chips, Thank you.
'Reuben ....... Would you like to go to Wales .. ??'
Reuben looked back slightly perplexed, as if to say it was possibly the most stupid question he'd ever been asked other than the time it was put to him 'did he want to keep his bollocks or not'.
I printed off the entry ticket and then wandered outside to the shed to give my little orange friend Cato the good news that he was going on an off road holiday.
(Please read to yourself in a stupid French accent ..... )
'Catoooo .. ?? Catoooooooo ..... ???? Cato my little Orange friend, where are you ...... '
After beating Cato in a short Karate fight, I gave him the good news that he too was having a bank holiday weekend away. I heard his 1190 starter motor whimper when I told him where we were going ....
Thinking fondly of Johnno I packed my ........ Sorry ..... Sorry ......
Thinking of Johnno I packed my worst pants, tactical slippers, and bottle of Monkey Shoulder. (I would need at least one bottle of scotch to see me through a weekend near cardiff ... ).
Rosy's Citroen Berlingo was packed to the gunnels, the central cubby hole thing was filled with jaffa cakes and Cato was introduced to the delights of extreme Bondage. (note ... with orange straps ...
).It's funny how things come in three's. I can't remember which was worse but it seemed that all my nightmares arrived at once - the start of the Jeremy Vine show, the Severn Bridge and the Sat Navs cheery announcement.
But .... to be fair .... I am, generally an optimist. The fact that it started to rain as we crossed the bridge was not a problem.
We pitched our tent and reserved a place for G00ner and Mark. I asked Reuben if he was having a good time, and he told me 'Yes he was'. I recognised the look in his face though; Very similar to the look he gives me when the butter has disappeared and I ask the lying bastard if he's had it.
After Team kent is fully formed, we get our maps, our co-ordinates, open the scotch and get to work
We eat chips from the burger van, I bump into Mellors the Hobo and Jake (dog on bit of string), Andres, Milkmaid, Melch .... and get on well with the two Slovakian (?) guys camped next to us. (We do the decent thing and exchange whisky with one another ... ). The Maps are adorned with dots and numbers and at about ten O'clock we turn in. Thank God I had a hot woman to sleep with. It was bloody freezing all night. G00ner slept in tent from the seventies and Mark slept in his van. (I felt positively spoiled having had a duvet, a blow up double mattress and bare buttocks nestled in my loins all night).
**
It's a cold wet start! ('Never' I hear you ask. No really it was .... I was sort of thinking that maybe we'd wake to a blue sky? ok, like just a little bit ?? 16 degrees ?? 15 ???? But no ... it was about four degrees and pissing with rain ....
).We lined up at the start with the Step through gang ! fair play to them! It's all for charity and it was good to see folk not taking life too seriously.
After filling up with gas we orientate ourselves to the first question .... which leads us to out first byway. And that girls and boys is pretty much the theme of the day - read a map, head for a co-ordinate, (route of your choice) and try and answer the relevant question to that co-ordinate.
Now I am no natural on an off road bike by any stretch of the imagination. I get by, and I quite like the challenge, but getting by is as good as it gets! So as the trails started to get a bit harder, boy was I starting to feel the weight of my not so little orange friend.
'Look up .... Look up ... '. 'keep yer momentum ... keep yer momentum .... ' I kept talking out loud to myself every time I got a bit stressed ! And Some of it was bloody challenging for a big CC bike. And I say here and now - to all you Gs 1200 / 1150 riders who did the full off road route; take a pat on the back! 'cos that was not easy on a 230 + KG bike
At the bottom of some rocky descent the marshals waited like bears for the salmon!
I hobbled Cato down the hill but bottled the last few steps and got off and 'walked it' over the steepest bits.
Then we had to go up the other fucking side ... !!
It is fair to say that the photos don't do the difficulty justice. On the screen it looks like you should just hop skip and jump over everything. It was harder (certainly for me, than it looks ... !)
(the view back down having just climbed it)
We push on (did I mention it was raining ??) and slowly the trails get a bit easier.
At Llandovery we stopped for lunch, and had the best home made cream of mushroom soup I think I've ever had!
Whilst my team mate let the hardened Sarf East image down by ordering a milky Latte......
....... we transferred some of the co-ordinates onto a larger scale map (I say 'we' in the loosest sense - the other two did it whilst I whatsapped my mates and chatted up the waitress ... ) ...
After lunch, we pushed on continuing the theme of map reading, finding the co-ordinates, and trying to answer the relevant questions.
After a route that took us past an old roman ruin, we headed for a Forest. (mneh .... can't remember what it was called now ... )
Now I know ... I know .... that some of you die hard trail riders will find the 'easy stuff' boring, and that you want the feck off rocky descents and climbs, and yes .... if I was on a pogo, I'd probably want that too. But here in the forest ...... Ohhhhh yes .... Now we're talking .... this is Cato's sort of territory!!
We very shortly decided to 'fuck the questions .... lets stay here for a couple of hours ... ' and we had a cracking play on the sort of ground that I enjoy and if I'm honest find a bit easier ...
(If I may say so myself, that is a fucking good picture from an i phone. Mellors - you can stick that up your arse ....
)And so it is, that the inevitable happened
The red mist comes down ...... the terrain is easier and coakes you into going faster ..... yes .... you've guessed it! Cato had a reasonably quick tumble!!
Sigh ... my fault entirely. Too quick for my own ability on a rutted left hand down hill bend between on some double track between the fire roads.
About a mile away from this photo but on the same track ....
..... the ruts get deeper and snottier. I was doing pretty well .... still working on the old momentum is your friend (sometimes!) and working hard on steering with my body and not the bars as such, (think ruts and keeping the bike upright but moving your body weight ..) but I just let the bike run away a little bit and suddenly it's all too quick and I'm trying to reign it all back in. I kick myself now for carrying too much front brake into a corner that had some pretty slippery rocks in the ground. Woosh .... front end folds and down I go.
But nothing that isn't repairable. A slightly skewed footrest hanger, shift lever and some battle scars to the crash bars.
TUNNER ARE YOU READING !! Get out the KTM Paint !!!!
We boot it back to camp, cold shower, win a 'Buff' umbrella in the raffle and then hit G00ners Rum, my whisky and Eggs bacon sausage and beans.
Reuben was pleased to see us back (i think - he may have been eying up the butter again .... )
..... and exhausted, I hit the mattress to the sound of the base from the live Ska band that seems to carry its note over the camp site more than the other instruments. The heavens really open all night to absolute torrential rain and G00ner spends all night bailing himself out.
Back in kent by 1700hrs, and cato's damage is fully assessed. The crash bar can be painted, the foot rest hanger can be replaced, and the shift lever straightened. So not exactly a disaster - phew!
The boiling hot shower, fire, Lagavulin and Chinese takeaway make the end to a great weekend, and for all the piss taking aside, a big thank you to the Welsh contingency for putting on a great event that, for what you get, is as cheap as chips, Thank you.
(ps the old one is still going nicely 
