Farewell Tour

[monkeyboy]

At 5 they’re back. The magic email appears and it’s game on. This isn’t a game he can stop when he likes. He has to swim into the system until he completely looses sight with land and then tread water. Blindly hitting да on screens full of random letters, having pictures done, entering endless codes in the phone, holding a camera and reading numbers out, signing pieces of paper, giving the phone to a couple of young women to let their fingers blur and set up the government app and the banking app and connecting a sim to the bank account and depositing money in an ATM and then suddenly land appears and he crawls out the water with a Russian SIM, bank account and government account in his name. Just what he always wanted

There is method in his madness thought. A SIM gives him access to Yandex, the Russian Google, with its maps and taxi services etc, plus, if his tiny swede can work out how to use it properly, the bank card will let him book hotels online, maybe.

Job done and we can go. Say farewell. Roll out and never return It’s all easy to say..

Head out of town, past the queues at any fuel station with the nearest sniff of petrol and head east towards Lithuania. It’s warm, sunny and I’m purring along enjoying the scents of the harvest being brought in. I’m genuinely happy and I’m thinking how calm it is. I can see Africa and his mate behind, I can see empty road in front.

Then I stop at a supermarket. The bladder on my back is starting to leek and needs a toilet but the supermarket doesn’t have one. A quick foray into the bushes reveals a hastily ripped opened and abandoned 4 pack of toilet paper and a big curly turd. This must be the toilet then.

 

[monkeyboy]

His mate wants a word. “I’ve got a problem. I’ve got an engine light come on”. Well, actually that will be Africa that has her engine light on. Fuck. That’s given The Twat something to think about. Still, his mate has at least 20 new warming lights on every time I see him and he’s still going. I just hope he doesn’t go “full house” whilst we’re away. I have a quick word with Africa and tell her to get her shit together fast else she’s going home.

Roll up to the Kalinigrad border. There is the line. There is the barrier. There is the farewell point. I will never be at this place again. One last look in the mirrors and it’s gone. Forever.

The Lithuania border is quick. But just as everything is done and the barrier is about to be lifted the young blonde in the booth asks The Twat “How old is your friend?”. He asks her to guess. “70?” No. She looks at his passport and her eyes pop wide open “Is it really true?” “Yes love, yes it is. I borrowed him from The Natural History museum”

Lithuania is a bore. We’re just on the motorway and it’s like we’ve exited Russia into Euro MineCraft. Straight roads, big, boxy buildings everywhere. Everything made for minimum price, style and effort. Eurobland. “Where the fuck are we?” Land.

The baggage is holed up in a sweaty cheap room full of flies whilst I sit outside and watch 2 people squeeze each other’s spots like a couple of chimps. I’d rather be back in Russia to be perfectly honest.

Tomorrow is another crossing into the void. I’ll see you on the other side. Hopefully.