ok!! to put you out of your misery

[Deleted Member Mtn]

speak for yourself

Seeing as its Valentines Day, I shoud hope that there will be plenty of breast fumblings and bollox squeezing going on tonight so everybody on this forum should all have been checked by the morning.

Lucy xx

mr matron has been in the pub since 11.30 watching football... then rugby until almost 9p.m.... so i think its the spare bed for one of us......

i can feel a new BMW system helmet coming on........

 

[GilesK]

Both checked - same size.
Giles

 

[shuck raider]

Wot Giles said

 

[Bilks]

Errrrrr...



Cheques in the post (please pm me with address marton)


Allparts 20/20

Bilks.

 

[~Stef~]

nah.... i prefer men with trimmed beards......

 

[LOLGEOFF]

A couple of years ago I was watching some program on the telly about a young bloke that had just got married and then died on his honeymoon due to testicular cancer. It had never occured to me before that, so I thought I'd have have a look. On examination I felt a lump about the size of a pea on the side of one of my nuts!!! Oh my gawd I thought what do I do now? After a couple of days I thought I'd better get it checked out. I had decided to keep it a secret untill I knew just what it is was. 1.Not to not worry the wife unduely and 2. Just in case it was nothing and I'd done my street cred.

Anyway I went to my G.P. who had a feel, all I could think about was Don't get a stiffy....Don't get a stiffy... and said that it needed looking at by a specialist and arranged for a visit to the hospital. All was running to plan untill I met one of the wife's mates at the hospital and thought although she was a pharmasist and I could probably count on her confidentiality, she might mention to the wife that she had seen me at the hospital.
Time to come clean I thought. The specialist had a prod about and then arranged an appointment with the ultrasound department. I went home still not knowing my fate an told the wife and she took it quite well after finding the insurance policies.

I had the ultrasound, he could have warmed up that jelly stuff a bit though, and said that I would have to make an appointment with the specialist to get the results. Another long wait especialy if you think that your times running out.

The end result was that it was only a cyst and, as it was not too big and it was not worring me, gave me the choice of leaving it or he could remove it.

I left it and now body double for Linford Christie.

The moral of this is, if you are not sure get it looked at, It is embarasing but it might not be as bad as you thought.

 

[Eurostar]

Good for you Lolgeoff. A few years before I had cancer I also went to my GP because one nut seemed bigger than the other. He said "don't worry, bollocks grow and shrink from time to time due to hormonal changes, it's nothing to worry about. But well done for coming to see me. If it happens again don't assume that it's harmless, come back to see me again." So when it did happen again I ignored his advice and didn't go to see him...kept putting it off even though my girlfriend, who was an anaesthetist, advised me to. And I ended up with 3 tumours instead of one! Silly me.

Matron PM'd me to say thanks for sharing my story with you all, but I can't send my reply to her because her mailbox is full. So I thought what the hell I'll put it in here for all to see...

"Thanks - but there's no need! Believe it or not I look back on the whole episode, which was almost unbearable at the time, as a not-to-be-missed experience which has shown me how to enjoy life. Perhaps I wouldn't be saying that if I'd been permanently damaged in some way by the disease or the treatment, but even though I had 2 secondary tumours I eventually emerged from the whole thing unscathed, apart from some very mild tinnitus which doesn't bother me. I suspect I'm a lot more comfortable talking about it than other people...I suppose I feel duty bound to spread a bit of awareness as well...but I'm conscious that I might be guilty of ramming it down people's throats. Your thread gave me a golden opportunity to spring the subject on a very suitable target group! I hope i've increased the total that you will raise - there may be some silent GSers who were put off by the content of my post... people have very strong reactions to cancer as I'm sure you know...they often assume that even if you claim to be cured it will still "get you in the end" so you are sadly deluded and heading inexorably towards a nasty death. The curious thing about testicular cancer is that the treatment is so effective these days that the disease can be said to be less dangerous than people's attitudes towards it. Keep up the good work, and let me know if you're ever near Fulham and fancy a beer. (I'll miss the Lands End thing - hoping to be in Africa by then, if Vern ever finishes my panniers!)

Nick

 

[Fanum]

Tinnitus from a cancer of the balls???

How does that work then??

Did SWMBO shout at you too loud for not getting it checked in time???

 

[Eurostar]

No! It's because of the chemotherapy - the main ingredient was platinum, which is very poisonous - kills anything, even tumours. So they also give you a hundred and one other drugs to keep the rest of your body alive, and you have no end of side effects. Hair loss and puking are just the start...my IQ would drop by about 95% and I'd have terrifying hallucinations. The tinnitus was the only side effect which was permanent. Oh, apart from rather crap circulation in my hands. I'm the only one I know who doesn't rave about BMW heated grips - I use heated gloves as well!

I think the treatment's got a bit less toxic in the last few years.

 

[Deleted Member Mtn]

No! It's because of the chemotherapy - So they also give you a hundred and one other drugs to keep the rest of your body alive, and you have no end of side effects.

yep.. my sister is at the hair loss stage,
its amazing that she's 62 and just gone for it and had her head shaved because she got fed up hair falling into the food when she was cooking.... she is so candid and stoic about it and doesnt even wear a wig, just a headscarf.... and i dont bother calling her for about 7 days after the treatment because she describes herself as a puking zombie....
even though i have some professional knowledge of chemo, i expected to have a professional attitude to my sisters treatment...but because its my sister, it breaks my heart to see her with no hair...even though she is fighting her cancer by constantly taking the piss out of it... and taking the piss out of me for being such a wuzz.... good on yer Val....

 

[(RIP) Jamie]

A POEM

FOR YEARS AND YEARS THEY TOLD ME
BE CAREFUL OF YOUR BREASTS.
DON'T EVER SQUEEZE OR BRUISE THEM.
AND GIVE THEM MONTHLY TESTS.

SO I HEEDED ALL THEIR WARNINGS,
AND PROTECTED THEM BY LAW.
GUARDED THEM VERY CAREFULLY
AND I ALWAYS WORE MY BRA.

AFTER 30 YEARS OF ASTUTE CARE,
MY DOCTOR FOUND A LUMP.
SHE ORDERED UP A MAMMOGRAM,
TO LOOK INSIDE THAT BUMP.

"STAND UP VERY CLOSE" SHE SAID.
AS SHE GOT MY BOOB IN LINE,
"AND TELL ME WHEN IT HURTS" SHE SAID.
"AH YES! THERE, THAT'S FINE."

SHE STEPPED UPON A PEDDLE.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES!
A PLASTIC PLATE PRESSED DOWN AND DOWN,
MY BOOB WAS IN A VISE!

MY SKIN WAS STRETCHED AND STRETCHED,
FROM WAY UP UNDER MY CHIN.
MY POOR BOOB WAS BEING SQUASHED,
TO SWEDISH PANCAKE THIN.

EXCRUCIATING PAIN I FELT.
WITHIN IT'S VICE-LIKE GRIP.
A PRISONER IN THIS VISCOUS THING,
MY POOR DEFENSELESS TIT!

"TAKE A DEEP BREATH" SHE SAID TO ME,
WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE'S KIDDING?
MY CHEST IS MASHED IN HER MACHINE,
AND WOOZY I AM GETTING.

"THERE, THAT WAS GOOD" I HEARD HER SAY
AS THE ROOM WAS SLOWLY SWAYING.
"NOW, LET'S HAVE A GO AT THE OTHER ONE".
LORD HAVE MERCY I WAS PRAYING.

IT SQUEEZED ME FROM UP AND DOWN.
IT SQUEEZED ME FROM BOTH SIDES.
I'LL BET SHE'S NEVER HAD THIS DONE,
NOT TO HER TENDER LITTLE HIDE!

IF I HAD NO PROBLEM WHEN I CAME IN,
I SURELY HAVE ONE NOW.
IF THERE HAD BEEN A CYST IN THERE,
IT WOULD HAVE POPPED, KER-POW!

THIS MACHINE WAS DESIGNED BY MAN,
OF THIS I HAVE NO DOUBT.
I'D LIKE TO STICK HIS BALLS IN THERE,
AND SEE HOW THEY COME OUT


Author Unknown

 

[Spanish Bob]

I´ve lost quite a few friends and family members to cancer. My mum to breast cancer and even friends younger than me to cancer. Count me in for 50gbp.

If you need my SPIII its yours for the event, dont quite know how to send it, but...

 

[downfield]

As pledged 20 quid paid in to your account at Barclay's in Eastleigh yesterday afternoon. See you at Land's End.

 

[BawdyMonk]

Matron...A tip;

Make sure you spend the poxy Jock £20 I sent you in Jockland, it's not much use anywhere else

 

[Deleted Member Mtn]

Re: Matron...A tip;

Make sure you spend the poxy Jock £20 I sent you in Jockland, it's not much use anywhere else

my english bank was more than happy to put it into the charity account ... along with about £500 worth of other donations we've kindly received... in various denominations........

 

[AndyB]

Hi Matron

Met up with Jill in Balderstones this morning and made my contribution into the pot.

I had a very similar incident to Lolgeoff and was told I had an epididimal (think thats spelt correctly) cyst. Again given the option to have it removed - decided to leave well alone. Still checking and still ok.

Just been diagnosed with fairly severe deafness and am likely to have a hearing aid instead, must have gone to too many loud discos when I was young (40 next year )

Good luck on your ride, are you getting a send off from Balderstones when you go?

Andrew

 

[Deleted Member Mtn]

the deafness is probably because you've been playing too much with your epididymus (lol)

thanks for the donation

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[AndyB]

the deafness is probably because you've been playing too much with your epididymus (lol)

thanks for the donation

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My mum always told me it would make me go blind not deaf

 

[Dave]

Here's some more money to the fund

Matron, £20 just deposited to your account, well done and will be thinking of you on your trip

 

[Deleted Member Mtn]

thanks.....

thanks for your kind donation dave

will we be seeing you in lands end???