Why am I so sh1t?

[Mutley]

I am a complete mechanical numptie so when I decided to swop my tyres for some TKC80's for my Morocco trip I got a mate (Matkat) to come and show me how to drop the wheels out.

It all seemed straight forward so I thought I'd put them back in myself. The front seems to go in no problem at all. I have tightened the star bolts on the brake calipers and the pinch bolts as far as I can get them so they should stay done up.

The problem is the rear. I couldn't seem to fit the back wheel whilst the caliper and the flappy mudguard thing were in place (the inner brake pad kept dropping down). I took the mudguard off and removed the rear caliper bolts, fitted the wheel, then replaced everything.

I've just rolled it off the stand to test it and the rear wheel appears to be locked solid. What the feck have I done?

 

[Sir James]

Have you got the wheel upside down

 

[MIKE R]

Silly answer, but is it in gear????

I'd start by removing the caliper, and checking the location of the pads....have you managed to wedge the disx between a pad and the pistons, has a pad moved and jammed against the disc etc?

Best of luck. When everything is ok,beg, borrow or steal a torque wrench and set ALL the bolts to the correct setting.

Mike

 

[Steptoe]

You have to remove the rear caliper to put the wheel back on - or the pads will get knocked out - as you've discovered -

take the brake caliper off and see if the wheel turns around.

 

[Tarka]

Remove pads from caliper before removing caliper.

Remove caliper before removing wheel.

Refit wheel before refitting caliper.

Refit caliper before refitting pads.



Fail to do the above and that`s why you`re a numpty.

 

[ELIMINATOR]

 I have tightened the star bolts on the brake calipers and the pinch bolts as far as I can get them so they should stay done up.

As MIKE R said, get a bloody torque wrench or you'll be stripping threads, then there'll be tears, ferkin big ones.

I just hope when you tightened them "as far as I can get them", that you are on the effiminate side of poof, & you didn't get that horrific, " that doesn't feel right, the socket just slipped a bit when it was previously tight moment."

It must have slipped Tarkas mind to add...........
While you've got the caliper off, give it a good clean, & copperslip the back of the pads,and shimmy type bits, & rubber grease the O/D of the pistons & rubber grease the sliding pins.

 

[Mutley]

Oops!

Just spoke to BTBR on the phone. I guess the inside pad is supposed to be attached at both ends

Looks like I need to take the caliper off again

Oh and I've found a torque wrench in the garage - no idea how to use it though

 

[Tarka]

It must have slipped Tarkas mind to add...........
While you've got the caliper off, give it a good clean, & copperslip the back of the pads,and shimmy type bits, & rubber grease the O/D of the pistons & rubber grease the sliding pins.

That`s an automatic reflex action to do that............you mean some people need telling to do it ???

 

[ELIMINATOR]

Show us your torque wrench then.......big boy Then perhaps we can help.

I assume that it has a little window somewhere, with little numbers inside?

Tark, some people don't use torque wrenches........................even when there's one in their garage

6 days no alcohol

 

[JohnnyBoxer]

Scary story indeed

(Hope you don't get a puncture on a piste in Maroc or you will be up shit creek)

As Steptoe, Tarka and Eliminator says

Reading the manual wouldn't go a miss either

 

[BTBR]

Just spoke to BTBR on the phone. I guess the inside pad is supposed to be attached at both ends

Hello, welcome to the BTBR HelpLine.............

I hope to God that you are better at selling, than you are at automotive DIY

In future, just accept that you are a complete and utter numpty head, and get someone else to do it.

 

[BTBR]

Oh and I've found a torque wrench in the garage - no idea how to use it though

If it offers any help and assistance to you Mutters, but the socket (thats the tool with a hole in the middle and spikey, pointy bits around the inside of it) fits on the square shaped thingey that is located on the opposite end where the twirly knob is................

 

[Bateman]

I am a complete mechanical numptie ...

If its any consolation, I wouldn't know where to start to remove a wheel. In fact I still get mixed up on which is the "nut" and which is the "bolt". Somebody could make a lot of money coming up with a "Haynes For Dummies" - strip out all the really technical stuff and pad out the basics with lots of good photos and simple text. And if anyone does that, I'll proof read it. If I can follow it, anyone can.

 

[JohnnyBoxer]

If its any consolation, I wouldn't know where to start to remove a wheel. In fact I still get mixed up on which is the "nut" and which is the "bolt". Somebody could make a lot of money coming up with a "Haynes For Dummies" - strip out all the really technical stuff and pad out the basics with lots of good photos and simple text. And if anyone does that, I'll proof read it. If I can follow it, anyone can.

 

[STUBBS]

Hello, welcome to the BTBR HelpLine.............

I hope to God that you are better at selling, than you are at automotive DIY

In future, just accept that you are a complete and utter numpty head, and get someone else to do it.

id get your push bike out and get over there think of it as a night time training run

 

[shuck raider]

Somebody could make a lot of money coming up with a "Haynes For Dummies"

Not quite Haynes For Dummies, but a nice translation of some of the manual:

The truth about Haynes

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with Mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You are about to skin your knuckles

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell, mate!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go and buy a BIG can of WD40...

Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: "F*ck me, what was that, it nearly took my eye out"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off; now use some good pliers to dig out the base...

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing...

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to balls it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the London Underground....

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect me to ride it afterwards

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for while muttering "Piece of Shit" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yeah, just as I thought, it's busted!"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box is not a suitable drift

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except for the thing you want to do

 

[STUBBS]

Hello, welcome to the BTBR HelpLine.............

I hope to God that you are better at selling, than you are at automotive DIY

In future, just accept that you are a complete and utter numpty head, and get someone else to do it.

get the bike out for a training run and pop over and give him a hand

 

[Mutley]

He he!

I hope to God that you are better at selling, than you are at automotive DIY

Clearly I must be, as nobody has ever paid me to fix a bike . Although some people would have you believe that high quality single malt sells itself

In future, just accept that you are a complete and utter numpty head, and get someone else to do it.

That's never stopped me before

 

[Mutley]

Well at least I had a go

In future, just accept that you are a complete and utter numpty head, and get someone else to do it.

Just to prove how dangerous I really am :

I fitted a Migsel oil cooler guard last weekend (and very nice it is too). Not only did I need to ring Alan about this as well ( ) ...... it requires the removal, or at least the loosening, of the beak.

Now in order to do this you have to drop off the front indicators. These are held in place by two nuts on the inside of the beak. They are very hard to get at as they are surrounded by pipes / wires etc. and have a wire running into the centre of them so you can't get a socket on them. I managed the whole thing with only the loss of some skin and a couple of finger nails.

Today I nearly tipped the bike over with no wheels on and the only thing I grabbed was a front indicator - which came away in my hand

Needless to say I have spent a little more time doing them up again this evening

 

[Gaz]

Today I nearly tipped the bike over with no wheels on

You took both wheels off at the same time ?