you pay for what you get

[BOIRCHE]

A guy is sitting in departures at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides that because she's got a uniform on, She's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

.....So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flys for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'...

The woman looks at him blankly.He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'..

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he trys again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. 'Going beyond expectations'...

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the fcuk do you want?'.

'Ah!' he says sitting back with a smile on his face.

'Ryanair!'........

 

[Mandylicious]

Michael won't like that


I thought it was funny though and our Nick will

 

[Ravenbyrne]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.


The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy


My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face


I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch,
so I've named him Birmingham.


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years

 

[GerryC]

4 from Tommy Cooper

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his St Bernard to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have put him down."
"What; because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

 

[Kamikaze]

Excellent (all three)

 

[HP2 KENOBE]

Excellent (all three)

+ 1 But I haven't stopped humming that Monkeys song since I read it at breakfast .

 

[Monsieur]

Ha!

 

[corsicandreamer]

V-Funny made me laugh out loud thanks.

 

[ChrisH Kerry]

These appeared on another site so I copied and pasted them and copied the ones above to that site - seemed fair enough to me...

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.

I said Yes but what would I get in return.

She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought… That’s Fair…. Tit for Tat.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I’m in trouble with the wife.

We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.

I hope this helps.
Phil.

---------------------------------------------------------------

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough ... once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought… Sod it…. I'll just soldier on.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Just said to the missus…

”Hey up fat gut ... what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get bloody lippy”


So I said ... “Mascara it is then!”

---------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8 o'clock and could tell something was wrong straight away.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I started to panic.

I just didn’t know what to do ………………… and

then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

---------------------------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry ...



I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

---------------------------------------------------------------



Man was making love to a 30 stone woman.

He says ...

“Can we have the light switched off?” ...

She said ...

“Why? Do you find me repulsive?”

So he said ...


“ No … it’s burning my arse”.

---------------------------------------------------------------

You won’t hear from me for a while mate.

I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatable's .....



I gotta lilo.

---------------------------------------------------------------

News just in ... There’s a female ref for the United v City match.

The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning.

It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND.



He’s still wondering how to pick it up!

 

[richie]

These appeared on another site so I copied and pasted them and copied the ones above to that site - seemed fair enough to me...

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.

I said Yes but what would I get in return.

She said I could play with her breasts.

I thought… That’s Fair…. Tit for Tat.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I’m in trouble with the wife.

We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.

Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Why men shouldn’t be Agony aunts.

Dear Phil,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn’t start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter.
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me…I’m desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines.

I hope this helps.
Phil.

---------------------------------------------------------------

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough ... once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought… Sod it…. I'll just soldier on.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Just said to the missus…

”Hey up fat gut ... what do you want for Valentines Day”
She said “Don’t get bloody lippy”


So I said ... “Mascara it is then!”

---------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning at 8 o'clock and could tell something was wrong straight away.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I started to panic.

I just didn’t know what to do ………………… and

then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

---------------------------------------------------------------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry ...



I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

---------------------------------------------------------------



Man was making love to a 30 stone woman.

He says ...

“Can we have the light switched off?” ...

She said ...

“Why? Do you find me repulsive?”

So he said ...


“ No … it’s burning my arse”.

---------------------------------------------------------------

You won’t hear from me for a while mate.

I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatable's .....



I gotta lilo.

---------------------------------------------------------------

News just in ... There’s a female ref for the United v City match.

The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning.

It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND.



He’s still wondering how to pick it up!

Ha ha already saw them....

 

[(RIP) petcul]

A policeman is being cross-examined by a defence
lawyer during a trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the
police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily
duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he
thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have
harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks
on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function
.... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."